I have taken to using an analogy to describe my growing suspicion about the truth of my evolving role as a parent. I may have mentioned it in earlier blogs, but I'm about to beat it to death in this one. :-)
You know that awful Olympic sport, Curling...? The one that seems to be the TV stations' favorite filler during the olympics when no other actual SPORT is on at the moment? Curling, to the uneducated me, combines all the funnest elements of shuffleboard and sweeping your house. Basically, one person sends the granite stone, aka "the rock" (a big disky kind of object) zooming down the ice path while his or her compatriots sweep the ice madly in front of the rock, trying to guide it to a given spot down the road. Sometimes the rock hits other rocks and alters its course, which then seems to cause frantic sweeping and yelling of commands from the rock launcher, aka "skip".
So.
I've decided my current role as a parent is to launch the rock, aka teenager, down the path of life, and swoop around it, sweeping madly to try and help keep it, er, her, relatively on course. Sometimes the rock, er, teenager, slams into other rocks and changes course, which elicits much consternation from the skip, er, mother and further frantic sweeping to adjust course.
BUT. Ultimately that rock is heading down the course the skip shoved it on, and it's pretty much all over except the frantic sweeping and a bit of yelling here and there.
My two rocks, er, daughters, took off down that course almost without warning. And, frankly, that launch seemed to coincide with the biofather's inexplicable decision to check out of our world for 7 months starting, essentially, January 2011. Once they started living here full time, their confidence and personalities just seemed to soar... and off they went, leaving their skip (yes, me) searching frantically for her broom (yes, I know what I just said).
I've told my attorney, the counselor trying desperately to focus the biofather on the real issues and secure some sort of "reunification", the psychologist assessing my/our parenting skills, and pretty much anyone else involved in the situation that the bus has left... and there is plenty of room on it for positive contributors, BUT, it's well on it's way, with or without the rest of us. Smart adults will actually jump ON the bus rather than try to stand in front of the bus and expect it to stop and reset to when it was just a little van.
The forward momentum has had fits and starts, of course. The PCS, the issues on the old swim team, occasional biofather related disruptions that actually affected the girls (missed school or practices for "counseling" or other command performances, the early disruption when he first began appearing at events again, a few bombed tests here and there caused by anger/stress related to interactions with him...)... all have periodically caused the bus to backfire. (Wait, I'm mixing metaphors now... caused the rock to scrape? Caused the rock to briefly alter course? Maybe I need to put the rock on the bus or something...)
Anyway, I'd love nothing more than to have the biofather sweeping along with us, on the bus. Unfortunately, he has chosen to run alongside the rock, yelling incoherently and accusing the skip of turning the rock against him.
As BiM's decisions related to academics and athletics become more important (i.e. should she take a full slate of upper level classes... to wit... AP European History, Honors Chem, Honors Alg II, Honors Spanish and Honors Eng, or should she heed the Honors English teacher's doom and gloom warning that "if *I* had a daughter *I* would not let her take both Honors Eng and AP Euro" and take her 600 SAT verbal score as a 14 year old and go to AP English as an 11th grader, where presumably the teacher will not be so...negative...?) the conversations become far less one sided and far more interactive, and it becomes increasingly obvious that BiM has a good handle on her own mind and how it works. (For example, She wants to prove the teacher wrong, but realizes she does not care enough to warrant the hassle or the risk of taking a subjective course lorded over by a teacher who didn't want her in her class. Could she do it? Sure. Should she? Nah. She doesn't want to go Ivy (which is fine with us) and none of us at this house have our personal images and self-esteem wrapped up in the issue of what school either child attends for college, so... )
Now, before I get fileted for not caring enough about academics, let me be clear... yes, academics are important. But they are not, alone, what gives a person soul, or depth, or happiness. It doesn't matter how much STUFF a person knows if they know nothing about themselves or the world around them. In my opinion... And, since this is my blog and my children.... lol.
I think as they race down the ice, er, path of teenagerhood towards adult humanness, there have been two HUGE turning points in their personalities and development. The first is the aforementioned biofatherus disappearus. The second is the Team DiPaolo unanimous decision to change swim teams. The girls had asked on numerous occasions in the year(s) prior if they could go to Bolles or somewhere else for club swimming. At times BiM, especially, had mentioned not wanting to swim anymore if it was for the old team. While their times continued to trend in a positive direction, their experiences and attitudes and overall happiness were increasingly trending negatively.
The run up to the state series last fall was... difficult. The state series itself was...interesting. The culture of "play time" and "lip service" was wearing on us. I read somewhere that we teach our children not to trust their instincts... and that teaching them that actually leads to lots of problems down the road that could be avoided. The philosophy of preserving the girls' instincts governed my parenting long before I read it, and the girls' bullsh*t detectors remain fully operational. We also operate under the belief that, at some point, if you've given a situation or a person enough opportunity to change or improve, and it has not, then it is time to make a choice: either give up and accept it the way it is, or move on. The girls, amazingly, are better at it than I am (which is why *I* am the only one who still feels bad about the situation with the biofather... everyone else has long moved on and left me in the confusing place of being the target who feels bad that the attacker has screwed everything up and is missing out on everything).
Anyway, the girls were ready to move on from the team before I was ready to accept the inevitable. They are fearless... it didn't occur to them people would look askance, and, in their minds, if people DO look askance, then those people become irrelevant. The girls know what they want and, apparently, you are either a supportive part of them achieving it or you are invisible. People pay shrinks thousands of dollars to try and achieve that internal equilibrium, lol.
So, move they did, after several long discussions of possible ramifications and reactions and future scenarios. BiM, especially, never felt accepted or liked by the older swimmers on the other team. LiM loved her friends, but hated the pervasive "play time" atmosphere and didn't like how older kids treated BiM. Neither child appreciated being mocked for wanting to challenge themselves. As a parent, I never felt comfortable leaving the girls in the hands of the coaching staff, as their lack of oversight, awareness in general, and professionalism scared the hell out of me.
It took all of a single practice at North Florida for the smiles to start coming back on the girls' faces.
Fast forward three months and the difference is profound. Confidence, attitude, comfort level, energy and enthusiasm for the team and the sport.... all off the charts. Actually having a coaching staff they trust and respect is a Godsend. While it is wonderful that their times have dropped, the more important thing to us is that they are now in a program with a plan and with structure, where they are accepted in all their quirkiness (Um, BiM...) and sensitivity (that would be LiM) and where I feel 100% comfortable dropping them at practice and going for a run, or sitting at the pool reading with no clue what lane they are in or what they are doing.
(I feel like I should insert a curling or bus reference here, lol, to keep the theme going....)
As the girls' rocks go hurtling down the ice and we go sweeping madly next to them, occasionally having to leap over them as they careen off a stray rock and change direction slightly, I really do feel like our greatest contribution as parents from here on out is to stay out of their way. I'm here for guidance, and consultation, and perspective, and to do laundry and pack lunches and dispense hugs as needed, and occasionally remind the hurtling rocks of the boundaries of their path as long as *I* am still sweeping it....
So there you have it. Parenthood boils down to giving your child a good shove on the ice and staying on, rather than under, the bus.
...that's my why, what's yours?
16 March 2012
15 March 2012
Welcome to the twilight zone
Wow, four months... a new unrecord for not writing. I've wanted to write, and Lord knows I've had plenty to write about, but it just hasn't come out. I could write volumes about the ongoing experience of being the target of a vindictive, wealthy, too-much-time-on-his-hands, arrogant, socially inept, James-Taggert-in-polo-shirts stalker, but I'll save that for another day. I could write smaller volumes about the inverse relationship between the girls' success in academics and athletics and my training volume. I could write at length about our decision to leave one swim club and join another, but I think I'll just let some of that intertwine with whatever it is I'm here to write about today.
What am I writing about today....hm... usually things just flow... (Crickets chirping)
Eight days ago I had just finished icing my knees after a workout and was all of 2 minutes into a much needed shower when my cell phone blew up. My first hint was when a friend who I haven't spoken to via voice in a year called three times, back to back to back. Then another swim parent called. Then the texts started pouring in, the first one of which read "shooting at Episcopal, two dead", which caused me to dive, dripping wet, to the tv remote to turn on local news. I think I was on the phone briefly with the swim parent friend (Jana? Was that you?) before trying to get a hold of Matthew, who was in a meeting. The first words the TV talking face said was "no students involved" which helped bring the heart rate down below 400, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't shaking like a leaf. At some point BiM texted from a friends' phone to say they were huddled against the wall with the door locked and the blinds drawn and that they'd heard a scream and some of the kids heard shots. She asked if I knew what had happened. The second text I had gotten came from someone who had talked to a JSO buddy, and the word was already there that Dale had been killed.
The cell continued to blow up (and my stupid android chokes on itself after a while, so I could see stuff coming in but not really respond). My lovely exhusband even texted about it, so I called him as I drove to ESJ to let him know I'd heard from BiM (gee, bet THAT won't make it into the next whiny attorney letter or manifesto he sends out, huh...). The drive up was a blur, but I did notice a bunch of other cars with golden "E"s on them racing along as well. Matthew met me at the gas station across from school, and we joined ranks with the hundreds of other cars waiting in line to get onto campus and down to the main pick up.
The news crews and police units were everywhere. We sat in line for probably 20+ minutes before I got enough "where are you" and other kinds of texts that I jumped out and walked down to where the kids were waiting while Matthew stayed with the truck. The scene was controlled chaos. Teachers and staff had formed a kind of holding pen for the kids, who were lined up 4 and 5 deep along the sidewalk. Mr. Day, BiM's life management teacher and one of LiM's track coaches, was calling out names of kids' whose parents were there. Other teachers were directing traffic and escorting kids to cars. I saw a lot of tears, a lot of vacant looks, and a few kids handling the stress by acting like... kids.
I wandered through the herd until I found the girls, and LiM started to tell me that her first thought when the school went into lockdown was that something had happened to her sister. The tears came full force when she told me about some "stupid idiot boy" who was cheering because of the extra days off of school. As we walked back out of the mass towards the truck the girls got big hugs from Mr. Day, we jumped in the truck as it came up and drove out through the chaos. My lasting memory of those moments will be the looks on the faces of the teachers and staff we know who were directing traffic etc. It was some awful mixture of horror, shock, and a concerted effort to hold it together for the sake of the kids.
I'm sure everyone handles situations like that differently, as a family and as individuals. We watched some news for a while, and talked about what we knew. The girls told their stories (where they were, what they heard and were told, how everyone handled it and reacted... what they thought and felt etc). Interestingly enough, BiM had heard that Schumerth had been fired and escorted off campus that morning, and as they were huddled in lockdown she turned to her friend and said "I bet it was Mr. Schumerth going nuts"....
And we let the girls drive the conversation, with questions, comments, observations etc.
They decided they wanted to go to swim practice that night, as we were two days away from leaving for FLAGS (Florida Age Group Swimming Champs) and they wanted to be with their friends.
No one slept very well Tuesday night. Wednesday we were off of school, but the teachers were going to be in their classrooms from 10-11 and counselors were going to be at school. BiM didn't think she wanted to go, but I told her I thought it was very important to get back on campus ASAP and not have a 12 day hiatus with your last memories of the school being the aftermath of the shooting. They coordinated with a friend or two and decided going was a good idea.
The interesting part of that morning was listening to them work their way through going, and what they wanted to do to show their feelings. They discussed what was appropriate to wear, with Lexi choosing chapel dress and a black sweater and Christi picking black pants and a black sweater. Their dress was very significant to them. They asked to pick up flowers or something to leave at the growing shrine, so we did. We pulled onto campus around 9:45. No one was at the shrine, although three news trucks were parked there, waiting.
As soon as the girls got out to walk over with the flowers, the news vultures swarmed. Two crews were literally RUNNING from their trucks. Before I knew it, the girls were surrounded by cameras and reporters. One, a younger man, the girls liked and said seemed sincere. They did not care for the other two. I was about to rescue them when they finally broke away and came to the truck (cameras videotaping the entire thing).
So, both girls ended up on local news stations, as did a number of their friends. Some of the vultures seemed interested in reporting the NEWS; some seemed more intent on sensationalizing or trying to cast blame on the school for not seeing this coming or somehow preventing it.
We spent the next two hours walking around campus, hugging and talking to teachers. I think it was as much for the teachers' sake as the kids' that I wanted us to go. I think the teachers did a tremendous job during the lock down and immediate aftermath, but that everyone was pretty much on equal, unknown, awful footing after that... and if I were a teacher I would not have wanted to head home for ten days, OR be alone with my thoughts in my classroom.
BiM reached her limit after a couple of hours, followed quickly by LiM, but both commented on how glad they were to have gone.
The ensuing days, while interrupted by a swim meet (thank goodness) and 4 days out of town, plus a coinciding visit from the grandparents, have brought various conversations and comments with/from the girls on the topic. As we've spent some time back on campus I think we've started losing some of the jumpiness we all felt in the first days. At first the girls were upset that someone removed the large makeshift shrine at the entrance; now it does seem to be helping to get back to the new normal.
Some news vultures have tried to paint a picture of ESJ as an unsafe place, lacking in security, which really pisses us off. Unless we surround that school with a 10' high barbed wire fence and have armed guards, I fail to see how such an unforeseeable, random event could be prevented. This incessant need to blame -- SOMEONE -- for every random or awful act or event is insanity. To sit with the vantage of hindsight and declare that someone should have read the tea leaves and predicted an event is arrogance personified, imo. Sometimes there is indeed negligence, but not always. ALWAYS there is something someone somewhere would have done differently had s/he known the event would ultimately occur. But it's easy to look at the backstory from the vantage of knowing the ending.
We in Casa DiPaolo prefer to think that Shane Schumerth was slipping into the morass of mental illness in the way that so many do.... a long slow decline, filled with oddness and, in retrospect, warning signs that could just as easily have remained "oddness" and never culminated in insanity or criminal activity. (How many people do we really know who are "off" or "odd" or "socially awkward" yet have never garnered headlines for some random act of insanity? If we sounded the warning bells for every quirky, difficult, unreasonable, or oddly behaving person on this planet there would not be many left roaming freely.) We prefer not to think of this as an act of evil, but rather as an act of a man who mentally and emotionally snapped.... yet snapped in a way that did NOT include killing children. Go figure.
In moments of idleness I wonder... what would have happened if Dale had not been in her office? Would he have backtracked one door to the science class? Continued on 50 feet or so to the Spanish classrooms? Walked the campus trying to find her? Or killed himself in her office as a statement for her to find? Somehow, I have to think that Dale would have chosen the way it played out if the only other options involved harm to students and other staff members. Which of course brings us to one of the first questions the girls asked: do you think she died thinking he was going to shoot more people, or did she live long enough to see him shoot himself...?
Let's go with the latter.
...that's my why, what's yours?
What am I writing about today....hm... usually things just flow... (Crickets chirping)
Eight days ago I had just finished icing my knees after a workout and was all of 2 minutes into a much needed shower when my cell phone blew up. My first hint was when a friend who I haven't spoken to via voice in a year called three times, back to back to back. Then another swim parent called. Then the texts started pouring in, the first one of which read "shooting at Episcopal, two dead", which caused me to dive, dripping wet, to the tv remote to turn on local news. I think I was on the phone briefly with the swim parent friend (Jana? Was that you?) before trying to get a hold of Matthew, who was in a meeting. The first words the TV talking face said was "no students involved" which helped bring the heart rate down below 400, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't shaking like a leaf. At some point BiM texted from a friends' phone to say they were huddled against the wall with the door locked and the blinds drawn and that they'd heard a scream and some of the kids heard shots. She asked if I knew what had happened. The second text I had gotten came from someone who had talked to a JSO buddy, and the word was already there that Dale had been killed.
The cell continued to blow up (and my stupid android chokes on itself after a while, so I could see stuff coming in but not really respond). My lovely exhusband even texted about it, so I called him as I drove to ESJ to let him know I'd heard from BiM (gee, bet THAT won't make it into the next whiny attorney letter or manifesto he sends out, huh...). The drive up was a blur, but I did notice a bunch of other cars with golden "E"s on them racing along as well. Matthew met me at the gas station across from school, and we joined ranks with the hundreds of other cars waiting in line to get onto campus and down to the main pick up.
The news crews and police units were everywhere. We sat in line for probably 20+ minutes before I got enough "where are you" and other kinds of texts that I jumped out and walked down to where the kids were waiting while Matthew stayed with the truck. The scene was controlled chaos. Teachers and staff had formed a kind of holding pen for the kids, who were lined up 4 and 5 deep along the sidewalk. Mr. Day, BiM's life management teacher and one of LiM's track coaches, was calling out names of kids' whose parents were there. Other teachers were directing traffic and escorting kids to cars. I saw a lot of tears, a lot of vacant looks, and a few kids handling the stress by acting like... kids.
I wandered through the herd until I found the girls, and LiM started to tell me that her first thought when the school went into lockdown was that something had happened to her sister. The tears came full force when she told me about some "stupid idiot boy" who was cheering because of the extra days off of school. As we walked back out of the mass towards the truck the girls got big hugs from Mr. Day, we jumped in the truck as it came up and drove out through the chaos. My lasting memory of those moments will be the looks on the faces of the teachers and staff we know who were directing traffic etc. It was some awful mixture of horror, shock, and a concerted effort to hold it together for the sake of the kids.
I'm sure everyone handles situations like that differently, as a family and as individuals. We watched some news for a while, and talked about what we knew. The girls told their stories (where they were, what they heard and were told, how everyone handled it and reacted... what they thought and felt etc). Interestingly enough, BiM had heard that Schumerth had been fired and escorted off campus that morning, and as they were huddled in lockdown she turned to her friend and said "I bet it was Mr. Schumerth going nuts"....
And we let the girls drive the conversation, with questions, comments, observations etc.
They decided they wanted to go to swim practice that night, as we were two days away from leaving for FLAGS (Florida Age Group Swimming Champs) and they wanted to be with their friends.
No one slept very well Tuesday night. Wednesday we were off of school, but the teachers were going to be in their classrooms from 10-11 and counselors were going to be at school. BiM didn't think she wanted to go, but I told her I thought it was very important to get back on campus ASAP and not have a 12 day hiatus with your last memories of the school being the aftermath of the shooting. They coordinated with a friend or two and decided going was a good idea.
The interesting part of that morning was listening to them work their way through going, and what they wanted to do to show their feelings. They discussed what was appropriate to wear, with Lexi choosing chapel dress and a black sweater and Christi picking black pants and a black sweater. Their dress was very significant to them. They asked to pick up flowers or something to leave at the growing shrine, so we did. We pulled onto campus around 9:45. No one was at the shrine, although three news trucks were parked there, waiting.
As soon as the girls got out to walk over with the flowers, the news vultures swarmed. Two crews were literally RUNNING from their trucks. Before I knew it, the girls were surrounded by cameras and reporters. One, a younger man, the girls liked and said seemed sincere. They did not care for the other two. I was about to rescue them when they finally broke away and came to the truck (cameras videotaping the entire thing).
So, both girls ended up on local news stations, as did a number of their friends. Some of the vultures seemed interested in reporting the NEWS; some seemed more intent on sensationalizing or trying to cast blame on the school for not seeing this coming or somehow preventing it.
We spent the next two hours walking around campus, hugging and talking to teachers. I think it was as much for the teachers' sake as the kids' that I wanted us to go. I think the teachers did a tremendous job during the lock down and immediate aftermath, but that everyone was pretty much on equal, unknown, awful footing after that... and if I were a teacher I would not have wanted to head home for ten days, OR be alone with my thoughts in my classroom.
BiM reached her limit after a couple of hours, followed quickly by LiM, but both commented on how glad they were to have gone.
The ensuing days, while interrupted by a swim meet (thank goodness) and 4 days out of town, plus a coinciding visit from the grandparents, have brought various conversations and comments with/from the girls on the topic. As we've spent some time back on campus I think we've started losing some of the jumpiness we all felt in the first days. At first the girls were upset that someone removed the large makeshift shrine at the entrance; now it does seem to be helping to get back to the new normal.
Some news vultures have tried to paint a picture of ESJ as an unsafe place, lacking in security, which really pisses us off. Unless we surround that school with a 10' high barbed wire fence and have armed guards, I fail to see how such an unforeseeable, random event could be prevented. This incessant need to blame -- SOMEONE -- for every random or awful act or event is insanity. To sit with the vantage of hindsight and declare that someone should have read the tea leaves and predicted an event is arrogance personified, imo. Sometimes there is indeed negligence, but not always. ALWAYS there is something someone somewhere would have done differently had s/he known the event would ultimately occur. But it's easy to look at the backstory from the vantage of knowing the ending.
We in Casa DiPaolo prefer to think that Shane Schumerth was slipping into the morass of mental illness in the way that so many do.... a long slow decline, filled with oddness and, in retrospect, warning signs that could just as easily have remained "oddness" and never culminated in insanity or criminal activity. (How many people do we really know who are "off" or "odd" or "socially awkward" yet have never garnered headlines for some random act of insanity? If we sounded the warning bells for every quirky, difficult, unreasonable, or oddly behaving person on this planet there would not be many left roaming freely.) We prefer not to think of this as an act of evil, but rather as an act of a man who mentally and emotionally snapped.... yet snapped in a way that did NOT include killing children. Go figure.
In moments of idleness I wonder... what would have happened if Dale had not been in her office? Would he have backtracked one door to the science class? Continued on 50 feet or so to the Spanish classrooms? Walked the campus trying to find her? Or killed himself in her office as a statement for her to find? Somehow, I have to think that Dale would have chosen the way it played out if the only other options involved harm to students and other staff members. Which of course brings us to one of the first questions the girls asked: do you think she died thinking he was going to shoot more people, or did she live long enough to see him shoot himself...?
Let's go with the latter.
...that's my why, what's yours?
09 November 2011
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
I grew up in Pennsylvania. I spent every fall weekend at PSU home games, went to PSU swim camp, and belong to a family of PSU grads and die-hard supporters. It was my dream, until a shoulder injury derailed it, to swim at Penn State. To say I grew up deeply influenced by the aura of Penn State, Joe Paterno, and what was a very special atmosphere and philosophy is an understatement. Admittedly at times I've been frustrated, even angry, at some members of my family's eager willingness to prioritize Penn State over all else, but I've remained a believer and a fan. And, I write this knowing full well I may end up excommunicated from my family because of my views, but damn it I am angry.
When the awfulness in State College PA first broke I wrote to some of my friends and family about my anger -- primarily anger at Sandusky for ruining what we all thought was special and honorable, and at Paterno, Curley, Spanier etc for allowing it to happen.
But now, my anger encompasses more than that -- it includes the people who refuse to see facts, who refuse to see reality, and who refuse to accept that someone we've all idolized completely blew it -- and we're not talking about blowing a call, or losing a game, or even misjudging a recruit. We are talking about a series of decisions that, in part, permitted a monster to harm who knows how many more children. I've heard the outrage directed at, say, Jim Tressell for his complicity in the OSU scandal -- and this is FAR worse than a stupid NCAA violation. And the hypocrisy makes me livid.
I listen to the excuses people throw out for choosing -- and it IS a choice -- or supporting someone's choice to stand by and do nothing or to step away from a situation involving an abused child. I've heard "politics" and "job security" and "fear" cited, among other things. I've heard "what more could I do" or "it wasn't my call to make" and other justifications. I've heard people talk about how Paterno discharged his legal obligations by going to the AD, as if that makes it ok -- as if that would be ok if it were YOUR child in that shower.
And, as an aside, why is that argument applicable to Paterno but not to the AD or Schultz? Didn't they discharge THEIR legal duties by going to Spanier?
It's insane. Whether it is "he didn't know" or "he did what he could" or "why isn't the focus on Sandusky, he's the bad guy?" or "this isn't fair, Paterno's done so much for the University" etc., the defense of this is insane. Years of service does NOT buy you the right to look away. It does NOT buy you the right to not bear responsibility for your role -- through omission or commission -- in allowing such a heinous crime to continue being committed.
Let's be real. Sandusky didn't suddenly decide he wanted to diddle little boys in 1998, when it first came to light. He had 6 adopted children and fostered others. He founded an organization in 1977 that focused on underpriviledged boys. He had boys staying AT HIS HOUSE, in a special basement room. He had boys traveling, solo, to away games and staying ALONE in his team hotel room.
His relationship with Paterno, according to accounts, was strained for years before he retired suddenly in '99. In 1998 a parent came forward because her son came home with wet hair after showering with Sandusky. She taped him admitting to being naked, in a shower, with a child, and lathering him up. This was reported to campus police, and, apparently to State College police.
And I am supposed to believe Paterno didn't know about it? That he didn't know Sandusky was on tape, admitting to showering with the kid? That he didn't know kids were traveling with the team and staying alone with Sandusky in the hotel room?
Stop and consider that, for a second. If you knew your friend or colleague (or your kid's coach) was staying alone in a hotel room with a revolving door of unrelated children, what would you say or think? At a minimum, wouldn't you say "hey man, that looks REALLY bad" and instruct that person to cease doing anything that could be misinterpreted or open to accusation? Especially when you are someone whose entire career has been built on the moral high ground? Or would you equivocate and whimper "it's none of my business" and ignore it?
How can anyone with a straight face say that somehow Paterno was unaware of what is being termed a a "massive" police file created in '98? Does anyone think it is a coincidence that Sandusky, who had been called the "heir apparent" to Paterno, suddenly, some say shockingly, retired after the '99 Alamo Bowl? (Where, incidentally, he had one of the victims identified in the Grand Jury report with him).
And why would a set of janitors be "afraid for their jobs" after witnessing a FORMER football coach performing oral sex on a child in the team showers if it wasn't well known that nothing would happen to him?
And here, again, do a bit of role playing. You are at work. You see, or hear of, an employee regularly coming and using the company gym with a variety of unrelated children. You already know he has been accused of, and admitted to, impropriety.
According to the homers, it would be unreasonable to think you might find that of concern. Some, less homery, suggest perhaps your lack of comment stems from your arrogance and refusal to admit you, or something, could be wrong.
Me, I say, you have to TRY to not "know" given that set of circumstances. And, once the incident in '02 came to light, you have to just plain not care to not "know".
So many stupid choices were made in '02. Why didn't McQueary, who was what, 28, beat the shit out of Sandusky the second he walked in on him and a boy he said looked ten?! Why did he leave them alone, walk out, and call his FATHER and not the police? Why did his father do nothing? Why did it take another day after being told for Paterno to talk to Curley? Why did it take another week and a HALF for Curley to follow up with McQueary?!
And, why didn't Paterno follow up? Or, worse, DID he follow up (because I find it unfathomable that such a potential scandal could go on within the athletic department without Paterno being consulted and keeping his finger on the pulse of it's progression) and acquiesce in it's being swept under the rug.
THIS is where I get the most angry, because THIS is where the excuses start flowing. THIS is where people start defending the indefensible. There is no way I am buying that Paterno didn't grill McQueary like a filet for details before he went to Curley. NO. F***ING. WAY. That man controls everything. He is even controlling, or attempting to, his exit under these circumstances (announcing he would retire at the end of the season and instructing the Trustees to not waste any time discussing him!). There is no way he did not ask for, and get details. NO way. This isn't some teaching assistant in the geology department. This isn't some campus shuttle driver. This is JOE PATERNO. The face of the University. The man who put the University on the map. But how many homers are insisting it is plausible he didn't get details and didn't follow up after he talked to Curley.
Seriously. Are you listening to yourselves?! It really truly makes me wonder if some of the people so strenuously defending Paterno perhaps have made the same choice sometime in their lives -- to look away from a child's mistreatment (or perhaps to inflict it themselves). Perhaps if the great Paterno makes the same choice it makes their own choice morally defensible and easier on the palate...
And then it gets worse from there. After the '02 cover up he was supposedly told not to bring boys on campus. Think about that. Take your predilections elsewhere. We're copacetic as long as you anally rape ten year olds OFF CAMPUS.
and yet, he continued to come on campus, and continued to bring kids on campus. But, of course, the homers would have us believe Paterno was oblivious to THAT too.
Seriously.
I don't feel sorry for him. I don't think he is being mistreated. I don't think he should be allowed to finish out the season and hear the accolades that WOULD have been his if he hadn't made what looks like a long series of awful, hopefully inexplicable choices.
I hear people saying that the focus should be on Sandusky, but I disagree. This is so much more than the actions of one scumbag. Sandusky committed awful crimes, some facilitated by his position with the University. Businesses bear liability for the illegal actions of their employees. There's an entire law school course about that topic, in fact. An employee's actions can stain the image of a company -- but what really dictates how MUCH it stains that image is the company's reaction to those actions. And significant representatives of Penn State took an ink blot stain and poured a barrel of crude oil on it.
The issue CANNOT be simply about the actions of Sandusky, because those actions were facilitated by the fumbling, bumbling, possibly concertedly intentional INACTIONS of some of the most powerful representatives of the University. They messed up. More than that, they ruined lives. And even the 50+ years of other goodness doesn't warrant a pass for Paterno. (Frankly, if he messed this up so badly, how can anyone think he has been above reproach in every other aspect of his career over the course of that time?!) As long as Spanier and Paterno continue to represent the University, it will be ABOUT the University. How much clearer can it be? An employee of the University commited heinous, unfathomable crimes, and other, more powerful employees of that same University did nothing. Legally and morally, they are individually liable, and, like it or not, their actions as representatives of their employer imputes that SAME liability (on both counts) to the University.
Yes, it is awful to think that a career ostensibly built on goodness and service is going to end and be tainted by this mess. But, for GOD"S sake, could we please remember that PATERNO (and everyone else) made free choices, of free will, based on their own code of conduct and morality. No one did this TO them. They chose it themselves. It is awful, and depressing, and disappointing, and discouraging, and sad. It's all those things. But it is also their OWN damn fault, and defending them or excusing them is disgusting. Shame on all of you.
...that's my why, what's yours?
When the awfulness in State College PA first broke I wrote to some of my friends and family about my anger -- primarily anger at Sandusky for ruining what we all thought was special and honorable, and at Paterno, Curley, Spanier etc for allowing it to happen.
But now, my anger encompasses more than that -- it includes the people who refuse to see facts, who refuse to see reality, and who refuse to accept that someone we've all idolized completely blew it -- and we're not talking about blowing a call, or losing a game, or even misjudging a recruit. We are talking about a series of decisions that, in part, permitted a monster to harm who knows how many more children. I've heard the outrage directed at, say, Jim Tressell for his complicity in the OSU scandal -- and this is FAR worse than a stupid NCAA violation. And the hypocrisy makes me livid.
I listen to the excuses people throw out for choosing -- and it IS a choice -- or supporting someone's choice to stand by and do nothing or to step away from a situation involving an abused child. I've heard "politics" and "job security" and "fear" cited, among other things. I've heard "what more could I do" or "it wasn't my call to make" and other justifications. I've heard people talk about how Paterno discharged his legal obligations by going to the AD, as if that makes it ok -- as if that would be ok if it were YOUR child in that shower.
And, as an aside, why is that argument applicable to Paterno but not to the AD or Schultz? Didn't they discharge THEIR legal duties by going to Spanier?
It's insane. Whether it is "he didn't know" or "he did what he could" or "why isn't the focus on Sandusky, he's the bad guy?" or "this isn't fair, Paterno's done so much for the University" etc., the defense of this is insane. Years of service does NOT buy you the right to look away. It does NOT buy you the right to not bear responsibility for your role -- through omission or commission -- in allowing such a heinous crime to continue being committed.
Let's be real. Sandusky didn't suddenly decide he wanted to diddle little boys in 1998, when it first came to light. He had 6 adopted children and fostered others. He founded an organization in 1977 that focused on underpriviledged boys. He had boys staying AT HIS HOUSE, in a special basement room. He had boys traveling, solo, to away games and staying ALONE in his team hotel room.
His relationship with Paterno, according to accounts, was strained for years before he retired suddenly in '99. In 1998 a parent came forward because her son came home with wet hair after showering with Sandusky. She taped him admitting to being naked, in a shower, with a child, and lathering him up. This was reported to campus police, and, apparently to State College police.
And I am supposed to believe Paterno didn't know about it? That he didn't know Sandusky was on tape, admitting to showering with the kid? That he didn't know kids were traveling with the team and staying alone with Sandusky in the hotel room?
Stop and consider that, for a second. If you knew your friend or colleague (or your kid's coach) was staying alone in a hotel room with a revolving door of unrelated children, what would you say or think? At a minimum, wouldn't you say "hey man, that looks REALLY bad" and instruct that person to cease doing anything that could be misinterpreted or open to accusation? Especially when you are someone whose entire career has been built on the moral high ground? Or would you equivocate and whimper "it's none of my business" and ignore it?
How can anyone with a straight face say that somehow Paterno was unaware of what is being termed a a "massive" police file created in '98? Does anyone think it is a coincidence that Sandusky, who had been called the "heir apparent" to Paterno, suddenly, some say shockingly, retired after the '99 Alamo Bowl? (Where, incidentally, he had one of the victims identified in the Grand Jury report with him).
And why would a set of janitors be "afraid for their jobs" after witnessing a FORMER football coach performing oral sex on a child in the team showers if it wasn't well known that nothing would happen to him?
And here, again, do a bit of role playing. You are at work. You see, or hear of, an employee regularly coming and using the company gym with a variety of unrelated children. You already know he has been accused of, and admitted to, impropriety.
According to the homers, it would be unreasonable to think you might find that of concern. Some, less homery, suggest perhaps your lack of comment stems from your arrogance and refusal to admit you, or something, could be wrong.
Me, I say, you have to TRY to not "know" given that set of circumstances. And, once the incident in '02 came to light, you have to just plain not care to not "know".
So many stupid choices were made in '02. Why didn't McQueary, who was what, 28, beat the shit out of Sandusky the second he walked in on him and a boy he said looked ten?! Why did he leave them alone, walk out, and call his FATHER and not the police? Why did his father do nothing? Why did it take another day after being told for Paterno to talk to Curley? Why did it take another week and a HALF for Curley to follow up with McQueary?!
And, why didn't Paterno follow up? Or, worse, DID he follow up (because I find it unfathomable that such a potential scandal could go on within the athletic department without Paterno being consulted and keeping his finger on the pulse of it's progression) and acquiesce in it's being swept under the rug.
THIS is where I get the most angry, because THIS is where the excuses start flowing. THIS is where people start defending the indefensible. There is no way I am buying that Paterno didn't grill McQueary like a filet for details before he went to Curley. NO. F***ING. WAY. That man controls everything. He is even controlling, or attempting to, his exit under these circumstances (announcing he would retire at the end of the season and instructing the Trustees to not waste any time discussing him!). There is no way he did not ask for, and get details. NO way. This isn't some teaching assistant in the geology department. This isn't some campus shuttle driver. This is JOE PATERNO. The face of the University. The man who put the University on the map. But how many homers are insisting it is plausible he didn't get details and didn't follow up after he talked to Curley.
Seriously. Are you listening to yourselves?! It really truly makes me wonder if some of the people so strenuously defending Paterno perhaps have made the same choice sometime in their lives -- to look away from a child's mistreatment (or perhaps to inflict it themselves). Perhaps if the great Paterno makes the same choice it makes their own choice morally defensible and easier on the palate...
And then it gets worse from there. After the '02 cover up he was supposedly told not to bring boys on campus. Think about that. Take your predilections elsewhere. We're copacetic as long as you anally rape ten year olds OFF CAMPUS.
and yet, he continued to come on campus, and continued to bring kids on campus. But, of course, the homers would have us believe Paterno was oblivious to THAT too.
Seriously.
I don't feel sorry for him. I don't think he is being mistreated. I don't think he should be allowed to finish out the season and hear the accolades that WOULD have been his if he hadn't made what looks like a long series of awful, hopefully inexplicable choices.
I hear people saying that the focus should be on Sandusky, but I disagree. This is so much more than the actions of one scumbag. Sandusky committed awful crimes, some facilitated by his position with the University. Businesses bear liability for the illegal actions of their employees. There's an entire law school course about that topic, in fact. An employee's actions can stain the image of a company -- but what really dictates how MUCH it stains that image is the company's reaction to those actions. And significant representatives of Penn State took an ink blot stain and poured a barrel of crude oil on it.
The issue CANNOT be simply about the actions of Sandusky, because those actions were facilitated by the fumbling, bumbling, possibly concertedly intentional INACTIONS of some of the most powerful representatives of the University. They messed up. More than that, they ruined lives. And even the 50+ years of other goodness doesn't warrant a pass for Paterno. (Frankly, if he messed this up so badly, how can anyone think he has been above reproach in every other aspect of his career over the course of that time?!) As long as Spanier and Paterno continue to represent the University, it will be ABOUT the University. How much clearer can it be? An employee of the University commited heinous, unfathomable crimes, and other, more powerful employees of that same University did nothing. Legally and morally, they are individually liable, and, like it or not, their actions as representatives of their employer imputes that SAME liability (on both counts) to the University.
Yes, it is awful to think that a career ostensibly built on goodness and service is going to end and be tainted by this mess. But, for GOD"S sake, could we please remember that PATERNO (and everyone else) made free choices, of free will, based on their own code of conduct and morality. No one did this TO them. They chose it themselves. It is awful, and depressing, and disappointing, and discouraging, and sad. It's all those things. But it is also their OWN damn fault, and defending them or excusing them is disgusting. Shame on all of you.
...that's my why, what's yours?
05 October 2011
Hello again
Four months since my last post... that's sad :(
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... oh, wait, someone used that already... and I can't really say it's been the worst of times either. It's been... challenging. From a Team DiPaolo perspective, the summer went very well. LiM continued to recover nicely from her PCS, BiM tore up the pool swimming-wise, and we had a relaxing and happy summer. My triathlon season went well, M's races went well (6th at Nationals!), LiM qualified for Ironkids Nationals again in her first (and only) kids' race this summer. No real vacations, but a nice trip to PA to see family and friends (and race the Philly Tri)...
On the flip side, the exH reared his sociopathic head, refused to pay for the girls' tuition (after it was due) and filed two motions against me in court in July (perhaps to be discussed in another post), and LiM incurred another concussion when she was hit in the head after the kids' tri. After a few weeks of quiet inactivity she emerged from the setback happy and raring to get to school and high school swimming. Alas, the exH has not gone away so easily or quickly.
BiM's 9th grade camping trip, back in August, has led to 4 weeks of various viruses and illnesses and disruption of swimming, culminating with trips to Mayo, various tests, and a week of Mother-ordered sleep. Now, with less than 3 weeks until Districts and the start of the state series, BiM is scrambling to try and make up for a lost month, and I'm holding my breath hoping this season that started out so promising isn't a complete loss for her.
Our district (and hence our region) is by far the toughest in the state thanks to the presence of Bolles, who automatically fills 4 out of the (up to) 8 spots that move on in every event. This does not leave much room for error in a district that includes Bishop Kenny, Providence, Fernandina, and a smattering of other strong swimmers spread throughout the other schools. Oh, and us, of course. It is entirely possible that one or more swimmers will swim a time that would, in one of the other regions, pass all the way through to states, yet won't finish top 8 in our district. The pressure to perform in the prelim (morning) swims is intense. A month ago BiM was eying top 16 in two individual events at states; now she may not make it out of the district.
LiM, on the other hand, is on a rampage. Her times are dropping and she is swimming with intensity and purpose. Unfortunately, she too is probably looking at missing regions by one spot depending on who swims the 500 free. We keep talking about swimming for personal best times, not places, but the reality is she is going to be VERY upset if she hits her goal time and still ends up missing regions.
Now, the adults among us might be thinking that the fact that LiM is even in a position to compete at this level is an absolute miracle given everything that kid has been through this year. On the drive back from Tampa last weekend LiM and I discussed the concussion and its aftermath, and she informed me that she is "not the same person" she was before the ordeal. I agree.
For the past few months I have noticed that she (and her sister to a certain extent) have an unusual sense of purpose and internal drive when it comes to swimming (and academics). LiM comes at her events, which are unusual events for a kid her age to want to swim in the first place, with a strategy and analytical view that most kids don't have (or don't show). She knows pacing, splits, race strategy... she has a clear idea of how she wants to swim and what she wants to accomplish... and she is taking steps to achieve those goals.
LiM informed me that since emerging from the fog she thinks she is more mature than her peers, and that she appreciates things more. "I used to get kind of tired of practice and not want to do the harder stuff sometimes, but now I can't wait and I love how good it feels after it's over." Where a lot of people look at things as an imposition or hassle (like homework), LiM just chugs along, happy to be able to do it. "I did a lot of thinking because I couldn't do anything else" is how she describes it.
When the darkness is closing in and everything seemed so bleak, I clung (and tried to encourage her to cling) to the hope that, somehow, someday, she would emerge stronger and more resilient from the experience. Always in the back of my mind was the fear that she would change in the opposite direction -- become bitter, or afraid, or tentative, or negative. She buzzed by the truck the other day after school to grab her swim stuff, rattled off a string of stellar grades, smirked and said "Nothing can stop me"... and all I could do was smile and marvel.
The quarter ends next Thursday. BiM has struggled (for her, for me it would be good grades) a bit in a couple of her classes as she adapts to actual deduction and application of concepts rather than straight up memorization. Perhaps another post I will write is whether allowing her to start school "early" has been a positive or a negative. It is easy to forget sometimes that she is the second youngest kid in her class, yet is a high level varsity athlete AND carrying a full load of honors classes. She still has a chance to land straight As (sigh). LiM...well, she has target lock on a full slate of A+ grades, although she may "only" get As in one or two classes. The interesting thing is, they love getting high grades, but shrug off the random lower test grade and won't blink particularly if a quarter grade isn't what they wanted particularly. Somehow they've hit the sweet spot of being highly motivated without being highly strung. It's fascinating.
As for me, and training/racing.... well, that all came to a screeching halt after Bfas 3 in July. I had already pulled out of IMLou before the bully attacked again with his court crap, and ended up pulling out of the Race to Miami a few weeks ago thanks to bronchitis and a general lack of motivation. As the keeper of the stress for Team DiPaolo (when it comes to dealing with the Captain), I've hit the wall. And, frankly, racing just doesn't seem that important right now given everything else -- especially the importance of shielding the girls as much as possible to give them as much time and normalcy as I can muster for them.
The Captain waited until summer was over to launch his attacks, thus guaranteeing disruption right when the girls began high school (BiM) and high school swim season. Given that school and swimming are very important to both of them, and he damn well knows that, his timing is curious. As I juggle the legal issues (discovery, document production, communicating with counselors/attorneys, the attendant stress and worry) and the girls' schedules/academics/doctor's appointments/counselor appointments all the while trying to keep them in the water in spite of the Captain's attorney's declaration that "extracurricular activities" should take a backseat to his demands.... well, it doesn't leave much in the tank.
It is unsettling as many friends gear up for Kona and others are training for firsts (first marathons, half marathons etc) and I drift along with no goals and no energy to set any. Training and pursuing goals has been a big part of who I am, and losing that now is really awful timing as the stress level rises and the one positive way I have to deal with it (exercise) becomes probably the last thing I need to be doing right now from a physical health perspective. The symptoms I have now (awful tightness and pain in my chest, shortness of breath, crazy fatigue, rattling/wheeze in my lungs) remind me very much of 7 or 8 years ago when my virus buddy attacked the lining of my heart. Now, as then, I seem relegated to sucking on an inhaler and waiting for it to run it's course.
Feeling useless, pointless, and completely unable to control some major aspects of my life is not a pleasant existence. For now, I'm just trying to hunker down and focus on keeping the girls on track (see next post) and get through this time. Being under seige by a bully who is a complete waste of carbon and space is the added insult to the injury of feeling like, other than whatever positive effect I am having on the girls, I am wasting precious time right now.
...that's my why, what's yours?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... oh, wait, someone used that already... and I can't really say it's been the worst of times either. It's been... challenging. From a Team DiPaolo perspective, the summer went very well. LiM continued to recover nicely from her PCS, BiM tore up the pool swimming-wise, and we had a relaxing and happy summer. My triathlon season went well, M's races went well (6th at Nationals!), LiM qualified for Ironkids Nationals again in her first (and only) kids' race this summer. No real vacations, but a nice trip to PA to see family and friends (and race the Philly Tri)...
On the flip side, the exH reared his sociopathic head, refused to pay for the girls' tuition (after it was due) and filed two motions against me in court in July (perhaps to be discussed in another post), and LiM incurred another concussion when she was hit in the head after the kids' tri. After a few weeks of quiet inactivity she emerged from the setback happy and raring to get to school and high school swimming. Alas, the exH has not gone away so easily or quickly.
BiM's 9th grade camping trip, back in August, has led to 4 weeks of various viruses and illnesses and disruption of swimming, culminating with trips to Mayo, various tests, and a week of Mother-ordered sleep. Now, with less than 3 weeks until Districts and the start of the state series, BiM is scrambling to try and make up for a lost month, and I'm holding my breath hoping this season that started out so promising isn't a complete loss for her.
Our district (and hence our region) is by far the toughest in the state thanks to the presence of Bolles, who automatically fills 4 out of the (up to) 8 spots that move on in every event. This does not leave much room for error in a district that includes Bishop Kenny, Providence, Fernandina, and a smattering of other strong swimmers spread throughout the other schools. Oh, and us, of course. It is entirely possible that one or more swimmers will swim a time that would, in one of the other regions, pass all the way through to states, yet won't finish top 8 in our district. The pressure to perform in the prelim (morning) swims is intense. A month ago BiM was eying top 16 in two individual events at states; now she may not make it out of the district.
LiM, on the other hand, is on a rampage. Her times are dropping and she is swimming with intensity and purpose. Unfortunately, she too is probably looking at missing regions by one spot depending on who swims the 500 free. We keep talking about swimming for personal best times, not places, but the reality is she is going to be VERY upset if she hits her goal time and still ends up missing regions.
Now, the adults among us might be thinking that the fact that LiM is even in a position to compete at this level is an absolute miracle given everything that kid has been through this year. On the drive back from Tampa last weekend LiM and I discussed the concussion and its aftermath, and she informed me that she is "not the same person" she was before the ordeal. I agree.
For the past few months I have noticed that she (and her sister to a certain extent) have an unusual sense of purpose and internal drive when it comes to swimming (and academics). LiM comes at her events, which are unusual events for a kid her age to want to swim in the first place, with a strategy and analytical view that most kids don't have (or don't show). She knows pacing, splits, race strategy... she has a clear idea of how she wants to swim and what she wants to accomplish... and she is taking steps to achieve those goals.
LiM informed me that since emerging from the fog she thinks she is more mature than her peers, and that she appreciates things more. "I used to get kind of tired of practice and not want to do the harder stuff sometimes, but now I can't wait and I love how good it feels after it's over." Where a lot of people look at things as an imposition or hassle (like homework), LiM just chugs along, happy to be able to do it. "I did a lot of thinking because I couldn't do anything else" is how she describes it.
When the darkness is closing in and everything seemed so bleak, I clung (and tried to encourage her to cling) to the hope that, somehow, someday, she would emerge stronger and more resilient from the experience. Always in the back of my mind was the fear that she would change in the opposite direction -- become bitter, or afraid, or tentative, or negative. She buzzed by the truck the other day after school to grab her swim stuff, rattled off a string of stellar grades, smirked and said "Nothing can stop me"... and all I could do was smile and marvel.
The quarter ends next Thursday. BiM has struggled (for her, for me it would be good grades) a bit in a couple of her classes as she adapts to actual deduction and application of concepts rather than straight up memorization. Perhaps another post I will write is whether allowing her to start school "early" has been a positive or a negative. It is easy to forget sometimes that she is the second youngest kid in her class, yet is a high level varsity athlete AND carrying a full load of honors classes. She still has a chance to land straight As (sigh). LiM...well, she has target lock on a full slate of A+ grades, although she may "only" get As in one or two classes. The interesting thing is, they love getting high grades, but shrug off the random lower test grade and won't blink particularly if a quarter grade isn't what they wanted particularly. Somehow they've hit the sweet spot of being highly motivated without being highly strung. It's fascinating.
As for me, and training/racing.... well, that all came to a screeching halt after Bfas 3 in July. I had already pulled out of IMLou before the bully attacked again with his court crap, and ended up pulling out of the Race to Miami a few weeks ago thanks to bronchitis and a general lack of motivation. As the keeper of the stress for Team DiPaolo (when it comes to dealing with the Captain), I've hit the wall. And, frankly, racing just doesn't seem that important right now given everything else -- especially the importance of shielding the girls as much as possible to give them as much time and normalcy as I can muster for them.
The Captain waited until summer was over to launch his attacks, thus guaranteeing disruption right when the girls began high school (BiM) and high school swim season. Given that school and swimming are very important to both of them, and he damn well knows that, his timing is curious. As I juggle the legal issues (discovery, document production, communicating with counselors/attorneys, the attendant stress and worry) and the girls' schedules/academics/doctor's appointments/counselor appointments all the while trying to keep them in the water in spite of the Captain's attorney's declaration that "extracurricular activities" should take a backseat to his demands.... well, it doesn't leave much in the tank.
It is unsettling as many friends gear up for Kona and others are training for firsts (first marathons, half marathons etc) and I drift along with no goals and no energy to set any. Training and pursuing goals has been a big part of who I am, and losing that now is really awful timing as the stress level rises and the one positive way I have to deal with it (exercise) becomes probably the last thing I need to be doing right now from a physical health perspective. The symptoms I have now (awful tightness and pain in my chest, shortness of breath, crazy fatigue, rattling/wheeze in my lungs) remind me very much of 7 or 8 years ago when my virus buddy attacked the lining of my heart. Now, as then, I seem relegated to sucking on an inhaler and waiting for it to run it's course.
Feeling useless, pointless, and completely unable to control some major aspects of my life is not a pleasant existence. For now, I'm just trying to hunker down and focus on keeping the girls on track (see next post) and get through this time. Being under seige by a bully who is a complete waste of carbon and space is the added insult to the injury of feeling like, other than whatever positive effect I am having on the girls, I am wasting precious time right now.
...that's my why, what's yours?
31 May 2011
Crying uncle... or, maybe, laughing uncle...
Back in... february? march? I closed my eyes and hit "register now" for IMLou 2011. I did it after much thought and analysis and consideration of the summer schedule and why I wanted to race it again. With a unanimous "ay" vote from the team I believed I could balance training and family properly and be prepared to RACE it this time. I did this in spite of the on-going PCS battle and all it's limitations on our world. And, for a few months, I was very happy with how training progressed. I was running well AND consistently, which was the key to a better race than last year.
And then my right knee fell apart. Not in a fixable way, of course. Just in a "wow that's really full of tendonitis" kind of way. A "might hurt, might not" kind of way. A "feels like it's going to implode, but doesn't, for 5 miles" but then "falls apart completely at the 5 mile 1 yard mark" kind of way.
Ok, I thought, I can water jog, and elliptical, to supplement. Nurse it back to health. That'll take some juggling and adjusting, but, it'll be fine. I can carry on and stay the course for Lou.
Then Lim got C-Diff. And the PCS continued. And the knee... stayed squirrely. And the water jogging and elliptical hurt too.
And I started looking at the dwindling number of weeks and the time constraints and the running constraints and my goals... and realized pretty quickly that the cost-benefit analysis was becoming rather weighted towards the cost side. I lay awake several nights considering the possible options: push the knee in training and break before or during the race; baby the knee in training and probably run an awful marathon again; pursue a moderate approach to training and risk cramping and/or dying and/or breaking after 6 or 10 miles of the marathon; and, of course, having a great race in spite of everything.
And then I watched JC's freakishly awful experience at IMTX (in spite of her being far more prepared than I could ever hope to be...) and realized that, even if the run-up to the race goes perfectly, which mine would not (by definition: motherhood, when made a priority = chaotic unexpected demands on time), the whole race can turn into a fiasco before your very eyes, and there is nothing you can do to predict OR avoid it.
And the scale tilted all the way to COST. So I emailed the Ironman people and requested a withdrawal. Being the customer service oriented group they are, I have yet to hear back from them, but, the decision is made.
And within a few days of sending that email, Lim landed in the ER with a 103' fever, which resulted in the loss of an entire night of sleep and now, four days later, a very disrupted training schedule remains thanks to a lingering sleep-deprivation headache and tired tired muscles.
Now, I know my decision surprised some friends, and even disappointed them...and I greatly appreciate the support. But, the decision was a lot easier for me than one might think, and I have only the tiniest sliver of regret.
Triathlon, while a passion, is not my life. My family is my life. At the end of my time on this planet, I do not expect to be holding hands with my tri bike, nor do I expect my awards or training log to sit around drinking wine and sharing stories of my life at my funeral. I do not consider it an imposition, or even a sacrifice, really, to "give up" the pursuit of personal goals for the greater good of the Team.
Our daughters are in the part of their lives where their life course is being charted. They will have exactly one high school and college career as humans, athletes and students. Their attitudes towards and outlook on life are being formed and set NOW. Call me old fashioned, but I think that needs to weigh heavily in the cost-benefit analysis that is the serious pursuit of a personal passion as an adult (in this case, triathlon).
I don't have particular personal "dreams" other than raising happy, healthy children and enjoying time with the man I love (that would be you, Matthew). I love to train and race, and enjoy having a goal race or two to strive for each season. There are a long list of races that are on my "would be cool to do someday" list, but, honestly, I won't lose sleep over not doing one or all of them. Yeah, it would be really cool to say I qualified for Kona or made an Ironman race podium. But, I don't "need" to try for that, or accomplish that. In fact, I can't really think of any single thing (besides being a good mother, wife, and person) I rank so importantly in my life that failure to pursue or accomplish it would ruin my day or cause me angst.
It's why pulling out of 70.3 Worlds last November when I already had the athlete wristband on was not that difficult a decision for me. It's why I had already decided that, even if by some miracle I earned a Kona slot at IM Lou, I was not going to go this year.
Others are free to debate whether it is a personality strength or flaw that I do not want to put myself first under those circumstances. It would not make me happy to do so, and NOT doing so does not make me UNHAPPY. So, flaw or strength, you decide for yourself. I'm good with it.
I think I learned my lesson about Ironman races for now... IF I decide to register for one again it will have to be one that is held during the school year, and outside of high school swim season (and, probably, high school track season). It would need to be NOT at the end of the summer, or will need to wait until one or more of the girls are driving. There is a limit to how much I can juggle and adjust and accommodate, and I think serious Ironman training and travel exceeds that limit right now. (and by serious, I mean, going to race and give myself the best shot at a podium finish/Kona slot as possible).
I was willing to contort myself dementedly this summer to train for and compete in IM Lou in August ONLY if I could compete at the level I wanted to this time -- and that was entirely dependent on my preparation (which I could somewhat control) and the race Gods (which I cannot control but can try to appease with sacrificial and superstitious offerings). When my quirky knee reduced my control over the preparation, and JC's experience emphasized that the race Gods don't NEED a reason to smite you down to size, the costs to Team DiPaolo far exceeded the benefits to Sara. End of story.
So, what now? The BFAS sprints are fun, but not exactly goal races. Matthew has the 5i50 National Championships in Iowa in September which, had I decided this a few weeks faster I could have signed up for too (although I kind of like that it is HIS show, alone). There's the Hot in August that I may sign up for here in Jax. There's a cool race in Miami in late September that, if EHS would ever decide what the swim schedule is for the fall, Matthew and I would love to do. Beyond that, it really depends on what time, knees, schedules, and inclination dictate.
And, just because I've wanted to race a race close to home in the hopes some friends and family will come watch and hang out afterwards, we are going to road trip to the Philadelphia Insurance Tri (I will do the Oly and M will race the sprint) at the end of June. There is always the chance my knee will crap out on me, but limping a 10k is much more palatable than limping a marathon, so... off we go :-)
...that's my why, what's yours?
And then my right knee fell apart. Not in a fixable way, of course. Just in a "wow that's really full of tendonitis" kind of way. A "might hurt, might not" kind of way. A "feels like it's going to implode, but doesn't, for 5 miles" but then "falls apart completely at the 5 mile 1 yard mark" kind of way.
Ok, I thought, I can water jog, and elliptical, to supplement. Nurse it back to health. That'll take some juggling and adjusting, but, it'll be fine. I can carry on and stay the course for Lou.
Then Lim got C-Diff. And the PCS continued. And the knee... stayed squirrely. And the water jogging and elliptical hurt too.
And I started looking at the dwindling number of weeks and the time constraints and the running constraints and my goals... and realized pretty quickly that the cost-benefit analysis was becoming rather weighted towards the cost side. I lay awake several nights considering the possible options: push the knee in training and break before or during the race; baby the knee in training and probably run an awful marathon again; pursue a moderate approach to training and risk cramping and/or dying and/or breaking after 6 or 10 miles of the marathon; and, of course, having a great race in spite of everything.
And then I watched JC's freakishly awful experience at IMTX (in spite of her being far more prepared than I could ever hope to be...) and realized that, even if the run-up to the race goes perfectly, which mine would not (by definition: motherhood, when made a priority = chaotic unexpected demands on time), the whole race can turn into a fiasco before your very eyes, and there is nothing you can do to predict OR avoid it.
And the scale tilted all the way to COST. So I emailed the Ironman people and requested a withdrawal. Being the customer service oriented group they are, I have yet to hear back from them, but, the decision is made.
And within a few days of sending that email, Lim landed in the ER with a 103' fever, which resulted in the loss of an entire night of sleep and now, four days later, a very disrupted training schedule remains thanks to a lingering sleep-deprivation headache and tired tired muscles.
Now, I know my decision surprised some friends, and even disappointed them...and I greatly appreciate the support. But, the decision was a lot easier for me than one might think, and I have only the tiniest sliver of regret.
Triathlon, while a passion, is not my life. My family is my life. At the end of my time on this planet, I do not expect to be holding hands with my tri bike, nor do I expect my awards or training log to sit around drinking wine and sharing stories of my life at my funeral. I do not consider it an imposition, or even a sacrifice, really, to "give up" the pursuit of personal goals for the greater good of the Team.
Our daughters are in the part of their lives where their life course is being charted. They will have exactly one high school and college career as humans, athletes and students. Their attitudes towards and outlook on life are being formed and set NOW. Call me old fashioned, but I think that needs to weigh heavily in the cost-benefit analysis that is the serious pursuit of a personal passion as an adult (in this case, triathlon).
I don't have particular personal "dreams" other than raising happy, healthy children and enjoying time with the man I love (that would be you, Matthew). I love to train and race, and enjoy having a goal race or two to strive for each season. There are a long list of races that are on my "would be cool to do someday" list, but, honestly, I won't lose sleep over not doing one or all of them. Yeah, it would be really cool to say I qualified for Kona or made an Ironman race podium. But, I don't "need" to try for that, or accomplish that. In fact, I can't really think of any single thing (besides being a good mother, wife, and person) I rank so importantly in my life that failure to pursue or accomplish it would ruin my day or cause me angst.
It's why pulling out of 70.3 Worlds last November when I already had the athlete wristband on was not that difficult a decision for me. It's why I had already decided that, even if by some miracle I earned a Kona slot at IM Lou, I was not going to go this year.
Others are free to debate whether it is a personality strength or flaw that I do not want to put myself first under those circumstances. It would not make me happy to do so, and NOT doing so does not make me UNHAPPY. So, flaw or strength, you decide for yourself. I'm good with it.
I think I learned my lesson about Ironman races for now... IF I decide to register for one again it will have to be one that is held during the school year, and outside of high school swim season (and, probably, high school track season). It would need to be NOT at the end of the summer, or will need to wait until one or more of the girls are driving. There is a limit to how much I can juggle and adjust and accommodate, and I think serious Ironman training and travel exceeds that limit right now. (and by serious, I mean, going to race and give myself the best shot at a podium finish/Kona slot as possible).
I was willing to contort myself dementedly this summer to train for and compete in IM Lou in August ONLY if I could compete at the level I wanted to this time -- and that was entirely dependent on my preparation (which I could somewhat control) and the race Gods (which I cannot control but can try to appease with sacrificial and superstitious offerings). When my quirky knee reduced my control over the preparation, and JC's experience emphasized that the race Gods don't NEED a reason to smite you down to size, the costs to Team DiPaolo far exceeded the benefits to Sara. End of story.
So, what now? The BFAS sprints are fun, but not exactly goal races. Matthew has the 5i50 National Championships in Iowa in September which, had I decided this a few weeks faster I could have signed up for too (although I kind of like that it is HIS show, alone). There's the Hot in August that I may sign up for here in Jax. There's a cool race in Miami in late September that, if EHS would ever decide what the swim schedule is for the fall, Matthew and I would love to do. Beyond that, it really depends on what time, knees, schedules, and inclination dictate.
And, just because I've wanted to race a race close to home in the hopes some friends and family will come watch and hang out afterwards, we are going to road trip to the Philadelphia Insurance Tri (I will do the Oly and M will race the sprint) at the end of June. There is always the chance my knee will crap out on me, but limping a 10k is much more palatable than limping a marathon, so... off we go :-)
...that's my why, what's yours?
19 May 2011
The death of civility
Something I've been wanting to write about for a while now is what I titled "the death of civility" because I can't really figure out a less dramatic name for it.
The girls and I first discussed this topic after a trip to the Alligator Farm or zoo earlier this spring (we went to both and experienced the same thing at each, and I cannot recall which was which). Now, I can be completely oblivious on occasion to the world around me. We ALL can. The main difference I see is that a very small percentage of people gracefully realize their obliviousness, while the vast majority just bull along without a clue. Or without caring. Or both.
From the time the girls were old enough to remotely comprehend, they have been taught manners and consideration. Now, as any parent of a teen knows, this is an ongoing and, often (at home, at least), losing battle. The real measure of whether that lesson is sinking in is how the kid treats nonfamily members, and especially how they act when they think no one is looking. BUT, if the parents don't start teaching it early and often, the kids have no hope of ever learning it.
So, because I've drilled certain behaviors into their cranium (with varying "at-home" success), they were truly horrified at the complete lack of manners of both kids and their parents on several recent occasions. A simple example: the girls wait their turn to move close to a viewing window and, in spite of Lim quite obviously taking pictures and Bim standing next to her pointing out something in the viewing area, one or more children, ranging in age from barely walking to 10 or 11, literally shove their way in front of the girls. Often they are accompanied by their (generally fat and always pushy) parents or the parents stand just back, encouraging them. Regardless, the parents are quite aware of the situation. On all but one occasion, the parents said NOTHING. Not a word. Not a "wait your turn" or "say excuse me" or "that girls is trying to take a picture". Nothing.
So too in the movie theater, where apparently YOU have the right to listen to and enjoy MY toddler's continuous babbling and outbursts during Thor. And guess what, YOU better think it is just as cute as I do, because if you don't I am going to get very angry at your rudeness. And don't even THINK that I might clue in to how disruptive my little darling is being and take him out. HE has the right to be here too!
So too at school, where the "table roulette" game is in full throttle in middle school. For the uninitiated, table roulette involves one or more girls sitting down at a table and, upon another girl attempting to sit at that table, either informing the interloper (their own classmate) that that seat belongs to (some other girl nowhere in sight) OR getting up and moving tables, leaving the interloper sitting alone at the table. Now, the minis are FAR from perfect, but they'd rather vote democrat than ever do that to another kid. I don't think it requires any special parenting skills to instill a sense of fair and proper treatment in your kids.... And I thank God that mine seem to get it, even if that means they are occasionally on the receiving end of it.
I DO think that kids acting like that are a direct reflection on the fact that so many parents have checked out of parenting and have zero idea what their kids are really like OR how they act when no one is watching. A kid having a computer, facebook account, and tv of their own may make parenting a snap, but it seems to be contributing mightily to the death of civility. IMO lol.
You don't have to look far to see that kids are simply emulating what they see adults around them doing. How many times have you been walking along and had someone obliviously meander across your path, completely unaware they did so even though you practically tripped over them? How often does someone's inane yet insanely loud conversation on their cell phone carry from their bathroom stall, or across the restaurant, or through the line you are standing in? How often does someone actually wave "thanks" when you let then in in traffic anymore? How many times have you been sitting at a light and watched the person in front of you lower their car window and nonchalantly flick a lit cigarette onto the road (their own personal ashtray, thank you very much)? Even in the photography course Lim and I are taking -- full grown, supposedly professional adults yabbering through the professor's speaking, or interrupting with completely moronic "look at ME" questions.
I've had people stand with their (overly ample) rear ends protruding over me and into my face as they stand in a restaurant or coffee shop obliviously babbling to their friends. I've been hit with pocket books and bags slung over the shoulders of people who either don't have any spacial recognition or nerve endings or just don't care. At swim practice we watch kids (often kids of some of the coaches, for goodness' sake!) jumping into OCCUPIED lanes while people are swimming, or throwing toys and balls into the pool and disrupting practice, or running madly through parents and kids sitting on the deck -- with nary a word of admonition (from adults) or apology (from the kids).
The "isn't my kid the cutest thing ever" attitude and prevailing checked out parenting style (how many times have you seen mom or dad too engrossed in a tv show, cell phone, or conversation to notice what the little darling is doing -- ranging from what they are doing in public to what they are doing in a restaurant to what they are doing on facebook) has contributed to a growing mass of people who thing that they should get what they want, when they want it, not matter how rude they are being.
All the drivel about boosting people's self-confidence missed the fact that, generally, you need to have some BASIS for that self-confidence. The fact that you exist and take up space does NOT mean you are worth special treatment. When did we stop teaching our kids to wait their turn, to say please and thank you, to be polite, to be respectful and to act appropriately to the situation? And NO, plunking your child in front of a DVD player to keep him or her quiet at the restaurant is NOT teaching them anything.
I've decided most of the basic misbehavior in this world is caused by a combination of self-centeredness and self-esteem gone viral. Everything about ME is more important than everything about YOU. You may be driving but *I* am in a hurry. You may be watching a movie but *I* want to see it too and *I* have a young child so the only way *I* can watch it is if I bring him, so I do. Where is the basic consideration we are supposed to be teaching our kids and practicing in our own world? Where is the admonition from people when others trample on those basic rules of behavior?
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I prefer dogs. :-)
...that's my why, what's yours?
The girls and I first discussed this topic after a trip to the Alligator Farm or zoo earlier this spring (we went to both and experienced the same thing at each, and I cannot recall which was which). Now, I can be completely oblivious on occasion to the world around me. We ALL can. The main difference I see is that a very small percentage of people gracefully realize their obliviousness, while the vast majority just bull along without a clue. Or without caring. Or both.
From the time the girls were old enough to remotely comprehend, they have been taught manners and consideration. Now, as any parent of a teen knows, this is an ongoing and, often (at home, at least), losing battle. The real measure of whether that lesson is sinking in is how the kid treats nonfamily members, and especially how they act when they think no one is looking. BUT, if the parents don't start teaching it early and often, the kids have no hope of ever learning it.
So, because I've drilled certain behaviors into their cranium (with varying "at-home" success), they were truly horrified at the complete lack of manners of both kids and their parents on several recent occasions. A simple example: the girls wait their turn to move close to a viewing window and, in spite of Lim quite obviously taking pictures and Bim standing next to her pointing out something in the viewing area, one or more children, ranging in age from barely walking to 10 or 11, literally shove their way in front of the girls. Often they are accompanied by their (generally fat and always pushy) parents or the parents stand just back, encouraging them. Regardless, the parents are quite aware of the situation. On all but one occasion, the parents said NOTHING. Not a word. Not a "wait your turn" or "say excuse me" or "that girls is trying to take a picture". Nothing.
So too in the movie theater, where apparently YOU have the right to listen to and enjoy MY toddler's continuous babbling and outbursts during Thor. And guess what, YOU better think it is just as cute as I do, because if you don't I am going to get very angry at your rudeness. And don't even THINK that I might clue in to how disruptive my little darling is being and take him out. HE has the right to be here too!
So too at school, where the "table roulette" game is in full throttle in middle school. For the uninitiated, table roulette involves one or more girls sitting down at a table and, upon another girl attempting to sit at that table, either informing the interloper (their own classmate) that that seat belongs to (some other girl nowhere in sight) OR getting up and moving tables, leaving the interloper sitting alone at the table. Now, the minis are FAR from perfect, but they'd rather vote democrat than ever do that to another kid. I don't think it requires any special parenting skills to instill a sense of fair and proper treatment in your kids.... And I thank God that mine seem to get it, even if that means they are occasionally on the receiving end of it.
I DO think that kids acting like that are a direct reflection on the fact that so many parents have checked out of parenting and have zero idea what their kids are really like OR how they act when no one is watching. A kid having a computer, facebook account, and tv of their own may make parenting a snap, but it seems to be contributing mightily to the death of civility. IMO lol.
You don't have to look far to see that kids are simply emulating what they see adults around them doing. How many times have you been walking along and had someone obliviously meander across your path, completely unaware they did so even though you practically tripped over them? How often does someone's inane yet insanely loud conversation on their cell phone carry from their bathroom stall, or across the restaurant, or through the line you are standing in? How often does someone actually wave "thanks" when you let then in in traffic anymore? How many times have you been sitting at a light and watched the person in front of you lower their car window and nonchalantly flick a lit cigarette onto the road (their own personal ashtray, thank you very much)? Even in the photography course Lim and I are taking -- full grown, supposedly professional adults yabbering through the professor's speaking, or interrupting with completely moronic "look at ME" questions.
I've had people stand with their (overly ample) rear ends protruding over me and into my face as they stand in a restaurant or coffee shop obliviously babbling to their friends. I've been hit with pocket books and bags slung over the shoulders of people who either don't have any spacial recognition or nerve endings or just don't care. At swim practice we watch kids (often kids of some of the coaches, for goodness' sake!) jumping into OCCUPIED lanes while people are swimming, or throwing toys and balls into the pool and disrupting practice, or running madly through parents and kids sitting on the deck -- with nary a word of admonition (from adults) or apology (from the kids).
The "isn't my kid the cutest thing ever" attitude and prevailing checked out parenting style (how many times have you seen mom or dad too engrossed in a tv show, cell phone, or conversation to notice what the little darling is doing -- ranging from what they are doing in public to what they are doing in a restaurant to what they are doing on facebook) has contributed to a growing mass of people who thing that they should get what they want, when they want it, not matter how rude they are being.
All the drivel about boosting people's self-confidence missed the fact that, generally, you need to have some BASIS for that self-confidence. The fact that you exist and take up space does NOT mean you are worth special treatment. When did we stop teaching our kids to wait their turn, to say please and thank you, to be polite, to be respectful and to act appropriately to the situation? And NO, plunking your child in front of a DVD player to keep him or her quiet at the restaurant is NOT teaching them anything.
I've decided most of the basic misbehavior in this world is caused by a combination of self-centeredness and self-esteem gone viral. Everything about ME is more important than everything about YOU. You may be driving but *I* am in a hurry. You may be watching a movie but *I* want to see it too and *I* have a young child so the only way *I* can watch it is if I bring him, so I do. Where is the basic consideration we are supposed to be teaching our kids and practicing in our own world? Where is the admonition from people when others trample on those basic rules of behavior?
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I prefer dogs. :-)
...that's my why, what's yours?
18 May 2011
"I don't like time, it goes too fast"
That quote emerged from Bim earlier this week, causing me to point out that, if she thinks time at 13 goes quickly, she will REALLY not enjoy it at 43. Which is, of course, how old I turned last week. I knew it was coming because the body markers wrote it on my leg at St Anthony's, but still...
In no particular order of appearance, here is what is going on these days with Team DiPaolo:
Lim is basically back to normal academically in terms of grades and effort required. Unfortunately, she still has not gotten rid of the headaches and exertion induced dizziness. We've now tried acupuncture and extensive physical therapy, and she has made distinct improvements in terms of handling headache triggers. But the headache lives on. Yesterday she had her second round of trigger point injections in two of the nerves in the back of her head. These are VERY painful and very difficult for me to watch her receive (nevermind how awful they are TO receive...) and, like everything else, seem to help a bit but don't seem to be the magic bullet. Now, the Dr did say that, based on the results she has reported, the next shot should go into the C2/C3 joint. That would require twilighting Lexi and the use of some fancy equipment to guide the injection. After that, we are out of ideas.
She has resumed swimming on a limited basis and is determinedly stretching her limits with the goal of attending Gator swim camp in a few weeks. While she may end up being physically ready for it, I am not sure +I+ will be emotionally ready for it, as I still worry, a lot, about her. She wants to try running again, and, like everything else, I anticipate it being a difficult and slow adaptation to it. She has not given up hope of doing a kid's tri or sprint this season, but... We'll see.
So far she does seem to hace emerged from the C-Diff ok. I guess we won't really know for cErtain until her next round of antibiotics.
She has begun taking photography classes (tiny Lim and a classroom full of adults) at UNF and really enjoys it. We are planning to take all four courses, each 3 weeks long, this summer and I have spoken to the professor about doing some private instruction too. He thinks she hasan amazing eye, especially for someone so young, and the key to her development is her learning the proper technical use of the camera etc. This is foreign territory to me (artistic I am not) and he says he has never worked with someone that young, but... If she is truly interested in it and has a passion for it, why not...
So, the long and slow journey all the way back for Lim continues. It may very well be that the path her life takes in the future will find obvious roots in the past four months.
As for Bim - she continues to chug along. Five finals from now she will be a...high school freshman. Wait, she is only 13! Of course she LOOKS 18, lol. In general she is happy and focused on her school work and swimming. She decided to race the Meek and Mighty kid's tri searlier this month, probably mainly because her sister was not and she would not have to deal with her own compulsion to compare her results to Lim's. She proudly ran the entire mile run, and was happy with her effort. Her future will probably not include many more tris, although she is available to do the swim leg of anyone's relay ;-)
I sit bemused at times at how grown up she is becoming. As I write this we are sitting in Starbucks - me wity my ipad and coffee and her with her laptop and chocolate milk. She is working on a study guide for her history final tomorrow abd I doubt most people would believe she is only in 8th grade. The visible change in her demeanor, confidence, and happiness since last Oct has been profound... Although one of the few things that will change that is mention of or reminders of her biofather.
Matthew ia the planned subject of another blog, so for now suffice it to say that Matthew is doing very well and surprising himself (although NOT the rest of us) in his triathlon pursuits.
I am a boring topic. Let's just say that I will be spending a lot of time driving to and from, or AT, Episcopal this summer, which means I need to be very grateful that my children are not embarrassed by the sight of me running, swimming, or sitting on a bike trainer during practices. Both girls have practice from 7a-9a Monday through Friday. Bim will swim and do dryland with the Senior group from 2-5p on M, W, and F while L will do the same from 4-6p (yes, that means we will be there from 2-6p three days a week). Both have Sat morning practices and both will swim in the Gawd-Awful river city meets on Thurs from 4p until the last heat of kids swimming illegal breaststroke ends sometime around 9, assuming no weather delays. I don't know whether to ride the trainer for 5 hours during the meet or use those days as my "one day per week of alcohol consumption". Or both.
Throw darts at stay at home mom's all you want with regard to how easy we have it (training time included), but I doubt many would willingly trade for that schedule, lol. Time will tell if I can dredge up the energy AND discipline, nevermind keep the knees onboard, to actually have a chance to reach my IMKY goals. If not, oh well. Time is running out on my time with the girls, and my job is to help them identify and reach THEIR goals and give then as much positive momentum into their futures as I possibly can... And if that means sweating my ass off at the Episcopal pool 6 or 8 hours a day, and being a glorifief sherpa and shuttle service, so be it, lol.
...that's my why, what's yours?
In no particular order of appearance, here is what is going on these days with Team DiPaolo:
Lim is basically back to normal academically in terms of grades and effort required. Unfortunately, she still has not gotten rid of the headaches and exertion induced dizziness. We've now tried acupuncture and extensive physical therapy, and she has made distinct improvements in terms of handling headache triggers. But the headache lives on. Yesterday she had her second round of trigger point injections in two of the nerves in the back of her head. These are VERY painful and very difficult for me to watch her receive (nevermind how awful they are TO receive...) and, like everything else, seem to help a bit but don't seem to be the magic bullet. Now, the Dr did say that, based on the results she has reported, the next shot should go into the C2/C3 joint. That would require twilighting Lexi and the use of some fancy equipment to guide the injection. After that, we are out of ideas.
She has resumed swimming on a limited basis and is determinedly stretching her limits with the goal of attending Gator swim camp in a few weeks. While she may end up being physically ready for it, I am not sure +I+ will be emotionally ready for it, as I still worry, a lot, about her. She wants to try running again, and, like everything else, I anticipate it being a difficult and slow adaptation to it. She has not given up hope of doing a kid's tri or sprint this season, but... We'll see.
So far she does seem to hace emerged from the C-Diff ok. I guess we won't really know for cErtain until her next round of antibiotics.
She has begun taking photography classes (tiny Lim and a classroom full of adults) at UNF and really enjoys it. We are planning to take all four courses, each 3 weeks long, this summer and I have spoken to the professor about doing some private instruction too. He thinks she hasan amazing eye, especially for someone so young, and the key to her development is her learning the proper technical use of the camera etc. This is foreign territory to me (artistic I am not) and he says he has never worked with someone that young, but... If she is truly interested in it and has a passion for it, why not...
So, the long and slow journey all the way back for Lim continues. It may very well be that the path her life takes in the future will find obvious roots in the past four months.
As for Bim - she continues to chug along. Five finals from now she will be a...high school freshman. Wait, she is only 13! Of course she LOOKS 18, lol. In general she is happy and focused on her school work and swimming. She decided to race the Meek and Mighty kid's tri searlier this month, probably mainly because her sister was not and she would not have to deal with her own compulsion to compare her results to Lim's. She proudly ran the entire mile run, and was happy with her effort. Her future will probably not include many more tris, although she is available to do the swim leg of anyone's relay ;-)
I sit bemused at times at how grown up she is becoming. As I write this we are sitting in Starbucks - me wity my ipad and coffee and her with her laptop and chocolate milk. She is working on a study guide for her history final tomorrow abd I doubt most people would believe she is only in 8th grade. The visible change in her demeanor, confidence, and happiness since last Oct has been profound... Although one of the few things that will change that is mention of or reminders of her biofather.
Matthew ia the planned subject of another blog, so for now suffice it to say that Matthew is doing very well and surprising himself (although NOT the rest of us) in his triathlon pursuits.
I am a boring topic. Let's just say that I will be spending a lot of time driving to and from, or AT, Episcopal this summer, which means I need to be very grateful that my children are not embarrassed by the sight of me running, swimming, or sitting on a bike trainer during practices. Both girls have practice from 7a-9a Monday through Friday. Bim will swim and do dryland with the Senior group from 2-5p on M, W, and F while L will do the same from 4-6p (yes, that means we will be there from 2-6p three days a week). Both have Sat morning practices and both will swim in the Gawd-Awful river city meets on Thurs from 4p until the last heat of kids swimming illegal breaststroke ends sometime around 9, assuming no weather delays. I don't know whether to ride the trainer for 5 hours during the meet or use those days as my "one day per week of alcohol consumption". Or both.
Throw darts at stay at home mom's all you want with regard to how easy we have it (training time included), but I doubt many would willingly trade for that schedule, lol. Time will tell if I can dredge up the energy AND discipline, nevermind keep the knees onboard, to actually have a chance to reach my IMKY goals. If not, oh well. Time is running out on my time with the girls, and my job is to help them identify and reach THEIR goals and give then as much positive momentum into their futures as I possibly can... And if that means sweating my ass off at the Episcopal pool 6 or 8 hours a day, and being a glorifief sherpa and shuttle service, so be it, lol.
...that's my why, what's yours?
29 April 2011
Tri season? What's that...?
So, we leave today for St. Petersburg for St. Anthony's. Normally, this would be an exciting thing, with the girls competing in Meek and Mighty tomorrow and us scheduled for the Oly on Sunday.
Normally. The OLD normally. The NEW normally is a bit different :-)
Lim, obviously, is not competing in anything besides "most weird medical issues in one year". Bim, on the other, surprising hand, is actually planning to race the M&M... a true shock, considering she declared late last year that she did not like tris and had no interest in ever doing another one. Then, out of the blue this week, she asked us (M, Lim, and me) "what do you think about when you are running?" -- which of course elicited responses ranging from "THIS SUCKS" to "Squirrel!" and everything in between. Finally we settled on asking HER what SHE thinks about when she is swimming, as the mental conversation she has to encourage herself during a race is probably similar to the one Lim or I have during ours. M, on the other hand, falls squarely in the "THIS SUCKS" camp, so was actually kind of less useful on the topic. At least we understand the miserable scowl on his face in every picture of him running, lol.
So, it appears that the one who loves racing will be watching and the one who loves watching will be racing. Go figure.
Then, Sunday, is the Oly. Now, M has a big weekend ahead of him, as he has actual goals and an actual chance to achieve those goals. His wave starts 15 minutes ahead of mine, which will be kind of fun since we might actually see each other on the turn around on the bike, and the run (if I make it that far). I am very psyched for M and am actually toying with the idea of not racing AT ALL just to cheer him on... in part because he never gets to be the focus and in part, frankly, because there is not much point in me racing.
This has already been a bizarre year training-wise. For the past 6 months the girls have been with us almost exclusively (the biofather had them for 3 whole weekends between Oct 31 and Jan 15) and they HAVE been with us exclusively since Jan 15th. This is a wonderful thing, but it has required some juggling and adjusting of training on my part.
Of course, the adjusting and juggling went nuclear on January 22, when Lim got her concussion. So, it took a little time to adjust to THAT, but I did, and ran a great River Run race. That race gave me a great boost training-wise, and the confidence that the new training plan (involving far more rest and adjusting on the fly than I had ever wanted, lol) could work.
Then, I stood up from a chair and almost fell on my face because of some weird pain in my right knee. Weird. The next day I went for a simple 6 mile run, and experienced a sensation in my knee I've never felt before -- far different than the standard knee pain that is, well, standard. The run left me limping horribly and unable to push off the wall or straighten my knee. An MRI showed no "structural" damage but a heap of inflammation. Amorphous nothingness in terms of fixing it...
I tried short runs twice more, with the same pain. Switching to non-weight bearing water running gave me 25 minutes of pain free motion before the same pain kicked in as on the road. So, for the past few weeks, I've done NO running (in OR out of the water). I've biked moderately, and swum plenty, but...
Add in very little rest during the three week poopathon (culminating with a whopping 3 hours tonight, through no fault of anyone but my own damn brain) and I don't have low hopes for Sunday, I have NO hopes for Sunday. The current plan is to do a swim/bike brick and then play it by ear. Of course the forecast is for 15mph winds out of the east, so it might not be even THAT much if they ace the swim again. Since it will be the first time I've taken any running steps since the MRI, who knows how it will feel if I actually come out of T2 trying to run. I'm kind of terrorized that I will take a few steps and, even after several weeks of no running rest, it will feel like it felt when it first happened.
What little killer competitive instinct I had going into this week pretty much evaporated last night anyway, as sometimes being the keeper of the emotions and the worry leaves me drained and listless. I am sick of drama in our lives -- medical issues, biofather issues, incompetent coaching issues to name a few sources -- and sometimes worrying about the minis (especially Lim right now) just eats me up. Call it a design flaw in my brain, but... the more tired I get the more my stupid brain spins around and around and around about stuff. Hence the not overly restful three whole hours of sleep two nights before a big race.
So, this weekend will be about Bim and M, two team members who seem to always take a back seat when it comes to the tri focus yet who are just as talented as the other two, broken, team members. It won't take much for me to talk myself into taking my focus off of dreading my own race by leaving bumblebee home, and putting it on M's race exclusively. He deserves it.
...that's my why, what's yours?
Normally. The OLD normally. The NEW normally is a bit different :-)
Lim, obviously, is not competing in anything besides "most weird medical issues in one year". Bim, on the other, surprising hand, is actually planning to race the M&M... a true shock, considering she declared late last year that she did not like tris and had no interest in ever doing another one. Then, out of the blue this week, she asked us (M, Lim, and me) "what do you think about when you are running?" -- which of course elicited responses ranging from "THIS SUCKS" to "Squirrel!" and everything in between. Finally we settled on asking HER what SHE thinks about when she is swimming, as the mental conversation she has to encourage herself during a race is probably similar to the one Lim or I have during ours. M, on the other hand, falls squarely in the "THIS SUCKS" camp, so was actually kind of less useful on the topic. At least we understand the miserable scowl on his face in every picture of him running, lol.
So, it appears that the one who loves racing will be watching and the one who loves watching will be racing. Go figure.
Then, Sunday, is the Oly. Now, M has a big weekend ahead of him, as he has actual goals and an actual chance to achieve those goals. His wave starts 15 minutes ahead of mine, which will be kind of fun since we might actually see each other on the turn around on the bike, and the run (if I make it that far). I am very psyched for M and am actually toying with the idea of not racing AT ALL just to cheer him on... in part because he never gets to be the focus and in part, frankly, because there is not much point in me racing.
This has already been a bizarre year training-wise. For the past 6 months the girls have been with us almost exclusively (the biofather had them for 3 whole weekends between Oct 31 and Jan 15) and they HAVE been with us exclusively since Jan 15th. This is a wonderful thing, but it has required some juggling and adjusting of training on my part.
Of course, the adjusting and juggling went nuclear on January 22, when Lim got her concussion. So, it took a little time to adjust to THAT, but I did, and ran a great River Run race. That race gave me a great boost training-wise, and the confidence that the new training plan (involving far more rest and adjusting on the fly than I had ever wanted, lol) could work.
Then, I stood up from a chair and almost fell on my face because of some weird pain in my right knee. Weird. The next day I went for a simple 6 mile run, and experienced a sensation in my knee I've never felt before -- far different than the standard knee pain that is, well, standard. The run left me limping horribly and unable to push off the wall or straighten my knee. An MRI showed no "structural" damage but a heap of inflammation. Amorphous nothingness in terms of fixing it...
I tried short runs twice more, with the same pain. Switching to non-weight bearing water running gave me 25 minutes of pain free motion before the same pain kicked in as on the road. So, for the past few weeks, I've done NO running (in OR out of the water). I've biked moderately, and swum plenty, but...
Add in very little rest during the three week poopathon (culminating with a whopping 3 hours tonight, through no fault of anyone but my own damn brain) and I don't have low hopes for Sunday, I have NO hopes for Sunday. The current plan is to do a swim/bike brick and then play it by ear. Of course the forecast is for 15mph winds out of the east, so it might not be even THAT much if they ace the swim again. Since it will be the first time I've taken any running steps since the MRI, who knows how it will feel if I actually come out of T2 trying to run. I'm kind of terrorized that I will take a few steps and, even after several weeks of no running rest, it will feel like it felt when it first happened.
What little killer competitive instinct I had going into this week pretty much evaporated last night anyway, as sometimes being the keeper of the emotions and the worry leaves me drained and listless. I am sick of drama in our lives -- medical issues, biofather issues, incompetent coaching issues to name a few sources -- and sometimes worrying about the minis (especially Lim right now) just eats me up. Call it a design flaw in my brain, but... the more tired I get the more my stupid brain spins around and around and around about stuff. Hence the not overly restful three whole hours of sleep two nights before a big race.
So, this weekend will be about Bim and M, two team members who seem to always take a back seat when it comes to the tri focus yet who are just as talented as the other two, broken, team members. It won't take much for me to talk myself into taking my focus off of dreading my own race by leaving bumblebee home, and putting it on M's race exclusively. He deserves it.
...that's my why, what's yours?
Someday, this will all be funny... right?
It's been a few weeks since I've had a chance to update. Lim's recovery from the PCS continues at an extraordinarily snails pace. We've been faithfully doing PT, and added in acupuncture as well. Lim HATES needles, but is a trooper for the acupuncture. So far she has not had that AHA moment where she is suddenly headache free, but she does seem to be making tiny bits of progress.
Where she could not read or watch tv at all for most of the past 3 months, she now has done both on a limited basis on several occasions. She reports an increase in headache, but the fact that she is choosing to do it and deal with the headache tells me either it is increasing less or she has increased her tolerance for the pain, or both.
She is back to full schedule, minus PE, at school, and her grades at the quarter check point were almost normal -- all A- and an A. This is a phenomenal improvement over where she was when she first returned 6 weeks ago (think 50s and no clue why she got wrong answers). She has to work much harder, but, that won't hurt her in the long run :-)
She has tried to swim and bike a bit, and is slowly adding that back in although it still makes her head hurt a lot and makes her dizzy. There is no time frame on her getting back to actual serious pursuit of any activities.
To say this has been difficult on her is an understatement. As the weeks stretch on and the headache remains to varying extents, she's struggled to keep a positive attitude at times. And, the strain on her sister is showing too, as Bim has been less patient and tolerant of Lim's limitations, and has expressed HER frustration at how everything has to revolve to a certain extent around Lim.
Lim had been looking forward to her 12th birthday on April 15th as kind of a demarcation between illness and a new start. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, as she rang in her birthday with the headache intact, a nice head cold, and what we thought was a stomach virus. She had to come home from school early, sick, on her own birthday. I tried to explain that we would all laugh about it someday, but she doesn't believe me.
After her birthday, the "stomach virus" stretched into a full week, and we went to Mayo. Now, normally I love Mayo, but in this case I came away a bit irked at how they handled Lim's situation. After the first week they suggested we put her on the BRAT diet, which is fine.. but now, in retrospect, I am bemused as to why they didn't consider other causations sooner. Her symptoms continued to worsen, and when I called back a few days later they suggested a trip to the ER.
Now, I am not someone who uses the ER as an extension of my health care provider. To me, an ER visit has to be, well, an EMERGENCY. I didn't think this rose to that level, so Lim suffered for several more days of abdominal pain/cramping and 15+ trips a day to the bathroom.
When I saw blood in her stool for a second time, I called Mayo AGAIN and we went AGAIN to see our doctor. She decided that we might want to do a CT scan and stool sample and some blood work, and again suggested we go to the ER to do all of those. I preferred to have it done through the regular system, so Lim had her blood drawn, I completed my degree in poopology by collecting stool samples, and we arrived at Mayo at 7am the next day for the scheduled CT. The doctor also started Lim on a course of Cipro.
We arrived only to discover that, contrary to what our regular doctor appeared to believe, Mayo does not DO scans with contrast on pediatric patients. So, back home we went to wait for our regular doctor to call (and apologize?) and tell us what to do.
The call finally came late morning (no apology) and we were told to just go to Wolfson's ER. I got the distinct sense that they were over the entire topic of Lim's stomach issue. We did go to the ER, where she received fluids after they discovered she was too dehydrated to draw blood from... and they performed an xray and some more blood work as well.
The ER doctor suggested we consider admitting her for observation and fluids, but agreed that if we felt like we were able to manage it at home, she would be better off at home. We agreed that we would head home and then, if symptoms continued, come back Monday to the ER and gain admittance to facilitate obtaining a CT scan. The ER doctor put her on Flagyl, another antibiotic that apparently is prescribed for stomach stuff.
Home we went, and I called Mayo to see if the blood work and/or poop sample testing had returned. The nurse AGAIN acted like I was a PITA for checking on the results, not all of which had come back yet.
Saturday dawned, and Lim continued with the symptoms. When a call came in from Mayo's trunk number I knew something was up, since no one calls from there on a Saturday. Sure enough, the on call doctor called to say the infectious diseasey people had called HIM to let him know Lim's samples came back positive for something called Clostridium Difficile (but his friends call him C-Diff).
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/c-difficile/DS00736
Guess I wasn't such a psycho PITA, huh. Suddenly, we had Mayo's attention, and the doctor's minions have called pretty much every day to check on Lim's progress. We've had to up her antibiotics (Flagyl is the first line of defense) as the drugs and the bugs were battling to a draw. I had to email the school and explain that, while Mayo poohpoohed my concerns, Lim had been wildly contagious for TWO FRIGGIN WEEKS and that the classrooms etc needed to be sanitized. EHS helpfully sent out an email blast to the entire middle school warning parents of the c-diff invasion, thankfully without naming names.
All in all, it's been a pretty crappy 2011 for Lim, and even I am starting to struggle to keep that sense of humor going...
...that's my why, what's yours?
Where she could not read or watch tv at all for most of the past 3 months, she now has done both on a limited basis on several occasions. She reports an increase in headache, but the fact that she is choosing to do it and deal with the headache tells me either it is increasing less or she has increased her tolerance for the pain, or both.
She is back to full schedule, minus PE, at school, and her grades at the quarter check point were almost normal -- all A- and an A. This is a phenomenal improvement over where she was when she first returned 6 weeks ago (think 50s and no clue why she got wrong answers). She has to work much harder, but, that won't hurt her in the long run :-)
She has tried to swim and bike a bit, and is slowly adding that back in although it still makes her head hurt a lot and makes her dizzy. There is no time frame on her getting back to actual serious pursuit of any activities.
To say this has been difficult on her is an understatement. As the weeks stretch on and the headache remains to varying extents, she's struggled to keep a positive attitude at times. And, the strain on her sister is showing too, as Bim has been less patient and tolerant of Lim's limitations, and has expressed HER frustration at how everything has to revolve to a certain extent around Lim.
Lim had been looking forward to her 12th birthday on April 15th as kind of a demarcation between illness and a new start. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, as she rang in her birthday with the headache intact, a nice head cold, and what we thought was a stomach virus. She had to come home from school early, sick, on her own birthday. I tried to explain that we would all laugh about it someday, but she doesn't believe me.
After her birthday, the "stomach virus" stretched into a full week, and we went to Mayo. Now, normally I love Mayo, but in this case I came away a bit irked at how they handled Lim's situation. After the first week they suggested we put her on the BRAT diet, which is fine.. but now, in retrospect, I am bemused as to why they didn't consider other causations sooner. Her symptoms continued to worsen, and when I called back a few days later they suggested a trip to the ER.
Now, I am not someone who uses the ER as an extension of my health care provider. To me, an ER visit has to be, well, an EMERGENCY. I didn't think this rose to that level, so Lim suffered for several more days of abdominal pain/cramping and 15+ trips a day to the bathroom.
When I saw blood in her stool for a second time, I called Mayo AGAIN and we went AGAIN to see our doctor. She decided that we might want to do a CT scan and stool sample and some blood work, and again suggested we go to the ER to do all of those. I preferred to have it done through the regular system, so Lim had her blood drawn, I completed my degree in poopology by collecting stool samples, and we arrived at Mayo at 7am the next day for the scheduled CT. The doctor also started Lim on a course of Cipro.
We arrived only to discover that, contrary to what our regular doctor appeared to believe, Mayo does not DO scans with contrast on pediatric patients. So, back home we went to wait for our regular doctor to call (and apologize?) and tell us what to do.
The call finally came late morning (no apology) and we were told to just go to Wolfson's ER. I got the distinct sense that they were over the entire topic of Lim's stomach issue. We did go to the ER, where she received fluids after they discovered she was too dehydrated to draw blood from... and they performed an xray and some more blood work as well.
The ER doctor suggested we consider admitting her for observation and fluids, but agreed that if we felt like we were able to manage it at home, she would be better off at home. We agreed that we would head home and then, if symptoms continued, come back Monday to the ER and gain admittance to facilitate obtaining a CT scan. The ER doctor put her on Flagyl, another antibiotic that apparently is prescribed for stomach stuff.
Home we went, and I called Mayo to see if the blood work and/or poop sample testing had returned. The nurse AGAIN acted like I was a PITA for checking on the results, not all of which had come back yet.
Saturday dawned, and Lim continued with the symptoms. When a call came in from Mayo's trunk number I knew something was up, since no one calls from there on a Saturday. Sure enough, the on call doctor called to say the infectious diseasey people had called HIM to let him know Lim's samples came back positive for something called Clostridium Difficile (but his friends call him C-Diff).
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/c-difficile/DS00736
Guess I wasn't such a psycho PITA, huh. Suddenly, we had Mayo's attention, and the doctor's minions have called pretty much every day to check on Lim's progress. We've had to up her antibiotics (Flagyl is the first line of defense) as the drugs and the bugs were battling to a draw. I had to email the school and explain that, while Mayo poohpoohed my concerns, Lim had been wildly contagious for TWO FRIGGIN WEEKS and that the classrooms etc needed to be sanitized. EHS helpfully sent out an email blast to the entire middle school warning parents of the c-diff invasion, thankfully without naming names.
All in all, it's been a pretty crappy 2011 for Lim, and even I am starting to struggle to keep that sense of humor going...
...that's my why, what's yours?
06 April 2011
training volume, such as it is...
It seems like the only time I find time to write is on days I take off, lol. (Well, I am swimming today, but as I've said, that's a day off to me).
I've been thinking a lot lately about the differences in the way I train versus the way so many of the triathletes I know train. I don't know what causes the difference, but it's there and it's obvious, to me at least. Some possible causes: different priorities, kids vs no kids, my propensity for injuries, mental toughness (or lack thereof)... I'm sure there are more.
In a nutshell, I don't do the training volume that everyone else seems to do. Frankly, I don't know how people find the time, energy, and health to do the kind of training that (sing along) everyone else seems to do. At times I wonder if I am selling myself short by not pushing it harder or differently. Other times I know without reservation that I couldn't (wouldn't?) handle the volume others do.
I don't use a coach. My life is neither predictable nor easily scheduled around a given training requirement, and my training is often based on how my body feels and what needs a rest at that given moment. (Case in point: I had planned a longer trainer ride and swim today, but when I woke up a) my legs were dead, b) my knees were sore past the acceptable point, and c) I realized I was starting down that path of "more more more" and needed a day off. So, off it is...) I would drive a coach nuts and s/he would stress me out completely, so, no coach.
In many triathlon circles, telling someone you don't use a coach is like telling a group of 4 year olds you don't believe in Santa Claus or telling a hair stylist that you can cut your own hair, thank you very much.
So, I look around at the training my coached friends and acquaintances do (and even some of my uncoached ones!), week in and week out, and, yes, sometimes I feel completely inadequate and like a slacker. I really do think people would laugh if they knew what my training looks like, yet it is about all I can handle physically and schedually. I do wonder what I could accomplish if I could/would train as my peers do (peers defined as anyone between the age of 22 and 65, male or female, married or not, kids or no kids, training triathlon, lol), and it takes effort sometimes not to compare and to remember to stay within myself.
My first Oly was 3 years ago this month. My first full Ironman was 17 months ago. My first half ironman was last year. (Yes that is backwards). Anyway, the point is, I've only been training with any degree of focus for 3 years. A lot has happened in Matthew's and my world outside of triathlon in those 3 years, which has both detracted from and ultimately improved my training. It's been a learning process, and I am fairly pleased with where the training falls right now, inadequate in the world of tri-studs though it may be, lol.
For the first time ever I have been running 6 miles or so consistently 5x every two weeks, on average. I am also swimming consistently, and have been, more or less, for a year. When I first started I literally did about 700 yards by 50s and called it a day. As a former swimmer, nothing made me gag more than swimming, lol. Feeling like a floundering special needs swimmer in the Hammerhead ocean swim in '09 somehow spurred me to actually do more than 1000 yards twice a week. Now I swim 3k, 3x week on average, and I am pleased with myself for doing THAT. (So, I smile inwardly when I hear a friend and very accomplished tri-gal say that she only did 2400 so it wasn't even worth doing...)
But, what I am not doing, and will never do, is hit the kind of training volume I hear around me. 18 milers every week. 4 and 5 hour road rides on back to back days. Seven or eight or nine hour training days. Wow. I stand in awe of the ability of my friends to do these things. I worry about all of them and hold my breath that all the effort will not dissolve in injury before they can reap the benefit of their dedication. Personally, I'd be in an institution trying to do that, and my kids would hate me.
I always feel like I'm teetering on the edge of turning nagging aches and pains into full blown problems, so training turns into a game of "how close to the edge can I get without falling in" on a daily and weekly, and seasonly, basis. I think a lot of endurance athletes play that game, of course. We all want to push ourselves as far as we can go before something pushes back. The pounding our bodies take, by definition, leaves us prone to injury if we are not cautious and vigilant. And, I think we all have a limit that is uniquely our own -- everybody's body draws the line differently. One training plan that works for me might create a chronic injury for you. And I KNOW yours would kill me, lol.
So, maybe I am more cautious than my peers, or more hesitant. I want to be the best I can be, but I want to BE for as long as I can be. That's not an easy tightrope to walk. (And, of course, body parts give out without warning or identifiable cause, so the best laid plans can blow up in your face anyway...). It is always an interesting feeling coming to a starting line and feeling fairly good about your own training while also knowing you are wildly UNDERtrained in the eyes of most of the athletes around you. Don't get me wrong -- I work HARD, and the nontriathletes out there are convinced I am obsessive and insane.... but compared to my peers.... hmmmm...not so much.
...that's my why, what's yours?
I've been thinking a lot lately about the differences in the way I train versus the way so many of the triathletes I know train. I don't know what causes the difference, but it's there and it's obvious, to me at least. Some possible causes: different priorities, kids vs no kids, my propensity for injuries, mental toughness (or lack thereof)... I'm sure there are more.
In a nutshell, I don't do the training volume that everyone else seems to do. Frankly, I don't know how people find the time, energy, and health to do the kind of training that (sing along) everyone else seems to do. At times I wonder if I am selling myself short by not pushing it harder or differently. Other times I know without reservation that I couldn't (wouldn't?) handle the volume others do.
I don't use a coach. My life is neither predictable nor easily scheduled around a given training requirement, and my training is often based on how my body feels and what needs a rest at that given moment. (Case in point: I had planned a longer trainer ride and swim today, but when I woke up a) my legs were dead, b) my knees were sore past the acceptable point, and c) I realized I was starting down that path of "more more more" and needed a day off. So, off it is...) I would drive a coach nuts and s/he would stress me out completely, so, no coach.
In many triathlon circles, telling someone you don't use a coach is like telling a group of 4 year olds you don't believe in Santa Claus or telling a hair stylist that you can cut your own hair, thank you very much.
So, I look around at the training my coached friends and acquaintances do (and even some of my uncoached ones!), week in and week out, and, yes, sometimes I feel completely inadequate and like a slacker. I really do think people would laugh if they knew what my training looks like, yet it is about all I can handle physically and schedually. I do wonder what I could accomplish if I could/would train as my peers do (peers defined as anyone between the age of 22 and 65, male or female, married or not, kids or no kids, training triathlon, lol), and it takes effort sometimes not to compare and to remember to stay within myself.
My first Oly was 3 years ago this month. My first full Ironman was 17 months ago. My first half ironman was last year. (Yes that is backwards). Anyway, the point is, I've only been training with any degree of focus for 3 years. A lot has happened in Matthew's and my world outside of triathlon in those 3 years, which has both detracted from and ultimately improved my training. It's been a learning process, and I am fairly pleased with where the training falls right now, inadequate in the world of tri-studs though it may be, lol.
For the first time ever I have been running 6 miles or so consistently 5x every two weeks, on average. I am also swimming consistently, and have been, more or less, for a year. When I first started I literally did about 700 yards by 50s and called it a day. As a former swimmer, nothing made me gag more than swimming, lol. Feeling like a floundering special needs swimmer in the Hammerhead ocean swim in '09 somehow spurred me to actually do more than 1000 yards twice a week. Now I swim 3k, 3x week on average, and I am pleased with myself for doing THAT. (So, I smile inwardly when I hear a friend and very accomplished tri-gal say that she only did 2400 so it wasn't even worth doing...)
But, what I am not doing, and will never do, is hit the kind of training volume I hear around me. 18 milers every week. 4 and 5 hour road rides on back to back days. Seven or eight or nine hour training days. Wow. I stand in awe of the ability of my friends to do these things. I worry about all of them and hold my breath that all the effort will not dissolve in injury before they can reap the benefit of their dedication. Personally, I'd be in an institution trying to do that, and my kids would hate me.
I always feel like I'm teetering on the edge of turning nagging aches and pains into full blown problems, so training turns into a game of "how close to the edge can I get without falling in" on a daily and weekly, and seasonly, basis. I think a lot of endurance athletes play that game, of course. We all want to push ourselves as far as we can go before something pushes back. The pounding our bodies take, by definition, leaves us prone to injury if we are not cautious and vigilant. And, I think we all have a limit that is uniquely our own -- everybody's body draws the line differently. One training plan that works for me might create a chronic injury for you. And I KNOW yours would kill me, lol.
So, maybe I am more cautious than my peers, or more hesitant. I want to be the best I can be, but I want to BE for as long as I can be. That's not an easy tightrope to walk. (And, of course, body parts give out without warning or identifiable cause, so the best laid plans can blow up in your face anyway...). It is always an interesting feeling coming to a starting line and feeling fairly good about your own training while also knowing you are wildly UNDERtrained in the eyes of most of the athletes around you. Don't get me wrong -- I work HARD, and the nontriathletes out there are convinced I am obsessive and insane.... but compared to my peers.... hmmmm...not so much.
...that's my why, what's yours?
Approaching 10 weeks of headache hell...
Another week has passed by, and Lim remains stalled in constant headacheville. Some small improvements have been noted in her demeanor and academics (where she was failing she is now getting low Cs, woohoo), but the progress is snail pace slow and she/we struggle sometimes not to get discouraged. The pediatric neurologist at Shands still believes Lim will make a full recovery, but it is tough to picture that happening anytime soon. If she could just go an HOUR without the headache... just an hour...
Lim has tried to bike on her trainer a few times and she swam once. Both cause her headache and dizziness to skyrocket, and she can only do either for 10-15 minutes. It is encouraging that she wants to try but wildly discouraging that she feels so awful when she DOES try. (This and other things cause me to flashback to Flowers for Algernon repeatedly, a book that deeply affected me the first time I read it AND when I read it again recently)...
I found her sitting in her room the other day, sadly looking at some pre-concussion papers/grades. As it has become blindingly apparent that she will not be racing the kids' triathlon in St Pete in a few weeks, or the Ironkids in Orlando in mid-may, she's gotten visibly more frustrated. She also knows that Gator Swim Camp in June, which she and Bim have been so looking forward to doing (they've never gotten to go to a sleepover camp before, and some teammates/friends are going as well), is looming and that she can't go if she is not in some kind of shape (assuming she is even feeling better by then).
I look at the pics of her playing flag football and soccer as they cycle through my computer screen saver, and MY heart sinks. I can't imagine how she feels.
She definitely has developed a keen sense of appreciation for things she is now missing. She has gotten animatedly angry at some of her classmates at times for, in her opinion, being disrespectful to the teachers by either not putting effort into assignments or not taking them seriously. I doubt I will hear much grousing about morning practices if she ever gets to participate in them again. She has not complained at all about a school assignment or homework either, as right now she is grateful to be able to even participate to some extent.
Lim is back to what seems to be a full workload of homework now in several classes. She participates in quizzes and tests now as well, although the teachers are not writing grades on her papers (which is nice, but she can still do the math to figure out a 6 out of 10 is a D). I have no idea if her grades are counting or not right now, and honestly I really don't care either way. Lim does, but I keep reminding her that 6th grade grades go nowhere and no one will ever see them. Her response: "I will see them and the teachers will see them!" - yes, true, but, everyone who matters knows what is going on right now.... which is small to no consolation to a child who takes...well, took... great pride in being a conscientious and successful student.
Her main problem, hopefully caused by the headaches, is what I consider "concentration" or focus -- she forgets to finish a math problem, or forgets to add two things together, or can't retrieve the name for an object or concept. Apparently words like: elephant, s'mores, ax, ruler, scale etc are stored directly behind the left ear. I've also found her substituting similar sounding words for things I know she knows (I can't think of a good example right now, but it is pretty funny when she does it..) and I've seen her struggle repeatedly to recall the right word for concepts she is trying to name. I suppose it is quite possible that she has incurred some degree of permanent damage because of this, but until the headaches check out we really won't know.
It is coming up on 10 weeks since the concussion. Sometimes it is hard for her, and me, to believe it will ever change. The headache has been omnipresent at this level for 8 weeks now. We stopped the Elavil completely rather than ramp it up to 30mg/day, as she was a walking zombie on it and it had no perceptible positive affect on her headaches. No OTC pain meds do any good for her headache.
Lim gets physical therapy 3x/week now, and, while Libby feels like many of the issues in her neck are starting to clear up a bit, there has been no perceptible change in the headache AND she is very sore from the exercises and manipulation. I keep telling her that it can take a long time for PT to really help, and that it usually makes you feel worse in the short-term because it makes everything sore and cranky. But, even I am starting to lose faith that it is going to really help.
We go in for cognitive testing in a week or two at Nemours, although I don't have any idea what that is supposed to show other than that she is impaired. Since the Drs have said that she won't be considered permanently disabled until this has gone on for a year, I don't see the point, but...
Another weird byproduct of this entire thing is Lim has become somewhat spooked by all things unknown. Death, illness, unexpected accidents or events, cancer, and any other sort of bad but uncontrollable and unpredictable thing you can imagine all seem to loom large in her mind, and she gets scared (especially at night) and does not want to be alone. She seems to be focusing on the scary and bad things out there... and it does not help that she is still not sleeping very well at all, so in addition to chronic pain she is rather zombie like at times with deep black circles under her bright blue eyes.
So, it is a mixed bag to report right now. Small indicators of progress mixed in with discouraging glitches and constant pain. Sometimes I wonder if this is all my fault, because I have not hesitated to express my amazement at the girls' accomplishments and my appreciation of their gifts. Funny thing is, I am just as proud of Lim now as I was before this happened, as she is a fighter and is slowly clawing her way back academically (and I know each "grade" she gets represents effort on her part, which is all I ever care(d) about anyway... doing your best, whatever that may be)... I just feel acutely ill trying to help her walk the line between pushing herself to work her way back AND accepting herself as she is now (ie being kind to herself and understanding that things just are not the way they were right now...).
It's a weird place to be -- we can't really go through the process of mourning what is lost because we are not really sure what IS lost permanently, or when we might know. It's an awful limbo with no end in sight and no clear path to follow. And, when you hunker down to get through and then look up and realize another week, or two, or a month, has passed without significant change in the underlying problem, it's hard not to get washed away in the flood of desperation and despair and anger. So, you withdraw and wallow in your own muck for a few, cry a bit, curse like a longshoreman, vacuum up the endless dog fur, chug some chocolate milk, and go swim. At least, I do.
...that's my why, what's yours?
Lim has tried to bike on her trainer a few times and she swam once. Both cause her headache and dizziness to skyrocket, and she can only do either for 10-15 minutes. It is encouraging that she wants to try but wildly discouraging that she feels so awful when she DOES try. (This and other things cause me to flashback to Flowers for Algernon repeatedly, a book that deeply affected me the first time I read it AND when I read it again recently)...
I found her sitting in her room the other day, sadly looking at some pre-concussion papers/grades. As it has become blindingly apparent that she will not be racing the kids' triathlon in St Pete in a few weeks, or the Ironkids in Orlando in mid-may, she's gotten visibly more frustrated. She also knows that Gator Swim Camp in June, which she and Bim have been so looking forward to doing (they've never gotten to go to a sleepover camp before, and some teammates/friends are going as well), is looming and that she can't go if she is not in some kind of shape (assuming she is even feeling better by then).
I look at the pics of her playing flag football and soccer as they cycle through my computer screen saver, and MY heart sinks. I can't imagine how she feels.
She definitely has developed a keen sense of appreciation for things she is now missing. She has gotten animatedly angry at some of her classmates at times for, in her opinion, being disrespectful to the teachers by either not putting effort into assignments or not taking them seriously. I doubt I will hear much grousing about morning practices if she ever gets to participate in them again. She has not complained at all about a school assignment or homework either, as right now she is grateful to be able to even participate to some extent.
Lim is back to what seems to be a full workload of homework now in several classes. She participates in quizzes and tests now as well, although the teachers are not writing grades on her papers (which is nice, but she can still do the math to figure out a 6 out of 10 is a D). I have no idea if her grades are counting or not right now, and honestly I really don't care either way. Lim does, but I keep reminding her that 6th grade grades go nowhere and no one will ever see them. Her response: "I will see them and the teachers will see them!" - yes, true, but, everyone who matters knows what is going on right now.... which is small to no consolation to a child who takes...well, took... great pride in being a conscientious and successful student.
Her main problem, hopefully caused by the headaches, is what I consider "concentration" or focus -- she forgets to finish a math problem, or forgets to add two things together, or can't retrieve the name for an object or concept. Apparently words like: elephant, s'mores, ax, ruler, scale etc are stored directly behind the left ear. I've also found her substituting similar sounding words for things I know she knows (I can't think of a good example right now, but it is pretty funny when she does it..) and I've seen her struggle repeatedly to recall the right word for concepts she is trying to name. I suppose it is quite possible that she has incurred some degree of permanent damage because of this, but until the headaches check out we really won't know.
It is coming up on 10 weeks since the concussion. Sometimes it is hard for her, and me, to believe it will ever change. The headache has been omnipresent at this level for 8 weeks now. We stopped the Elavil completely rather than ramp it up to 30mg/day, as she was a walking zombie on it and it had no perceptible positive affect on her headaches. No OTC pain meds do any good for her headache.
Lim gets physical therapy 3x/week now, and, while Libby feels like many of the issues in her neck are starting to clear up a bit, there has been no perceptible change in the headache AND she is very sore from the exercises and manipulation. I keep telling her that it can take a long time for PT to really help, and that it usually makes you feel worse in the short-term because it makes everything sore and cranky. But, even I am starting to lose faith that it is going to really help.
We go in for cognitive testing in a week or two at Nemours, although I don't have any idea what that is supposed to show other than that she is impaired. Since the Drs have said that she won't be considered permanently disabled until this has gone on for a year, I don't see the point, but...
Another weird byproduct of this entire thing is Lim has become somewhat spooked by all things unknown. Death, illness, unexpected accidents or events, cancer, and any other sort of bad but uncontrollable and unpredictable thing you can imagine all seem to loom large in her mind, and she gets scared (especially at night) and does not want to be alone. She seems to be focusing on the scary and bad things out there... and it does not help that she is still not sleeping very well at all, so in addition to chronic pain she is rather zombie like at times with deep black circles under her bright blue eyes.
So, it is a mixed bag to report right now. Small indicators of progress mixed in with discouraging glitches and constant pain. Sometimes I wonder if this is all my fault, because I have not hesitated to express my amazement at the girls' accomplishments and my appreciation of their gifts. Funny thing is, I am just as proud of Lim now as I was before this happened, as she is a fighter and is slowly clawing her way back academically (and I know each "grade" she gets represents effort on her part, which is all I ever care(d) about anyway... doing your best, whatever that may be)... I just feel acutely ill trying to help her walk the line between pushing herself to work her way back AND accepting herself as she is now (ie being kind to herself and understanding that things just are not the way they were right now...).
It's a weird place to be -- we can't really go through the process of mourning what is lost because we are not really sure what IS lost permanently, or when we might know. It's an awful limbo with no end in sight and no clear path to follow. And, when you hunker down to get through and then look up and realize another week, or two, or a month, has passed without significant change in the underlying problem, it's hard not to get washed away in the flood of desperation and despair and anger. So, you withdraw and wallow in your own muck for a few, cry a bit, curse like a longshoreman, vacuum up the endless dog fur, chug some chocolate milk, and go swim. At least, I do.
...that's my why, what's yours?
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