Tri season? What's that...?

So, we leave today for St. Petersburg for St. Anthony's.  Normally, this would be an exciting thing, with the girls competing in Meek and Mighty tomorrow and us scheduled for the Oly on Sunday.

Normally.  The OLD normally.  The NEW normally is a bit different :-)

Lim, obviously, is not competing in anything besides "most weird medical issues in one year".  Bim, on the other, surprising hand, is actually planning to race the M&M... a true shock, considering she declared late last year that she did not like tris and had no interest in ever doing another one.  Then, out of the blue this week, she asked us (M, Lim, and me) "what do you think about when you are running?" -- which of course elicited responses ranging from "THIS SUCKS" to "Squirrel!" and everything in between.  Finally we settled on asking HER what SHE thinks about when she is swimming, as the mental conversation she has to encourage herself during a race is probably similar to the one Lim or I have during ours.  M, on the other hand, falls squarely in the "THIS SUCKS" camp, so was actually kind of less useful on the topic.  At least we understand the miserable scowl on his face in every picture of him running, lol.

So, it appears that the one who loves racing will be watching and the one who loves watching will be racing.  Go figure.

Then, Sunday, is the Oly.  Now, M has a big weekend ahead of him, as he has actual goals and an actual chance to achieve those goals.  His wave starts 15 minutes ahead of mine, which will be kind of fun since we might actually see each other on the turn around on the bike, and the run (if I make it that far).  I am very psyched for M and am actually toying with the idea of not racing AT ALL just to cheer him on... in part because he never gets to be the focus and in part, frankly, because there is not much point in me racing.

 This has already been a bizarre year training-wise.  For the past 6 months the girls have been with us almost exclusively (the biofather had them for 3 whole weekends between Oct 31 and Jan 15) and they HAVE been with us exclusively since Jan 15th.  This is a wonderful thing, but it has required some juggling and adjusting of training on my part.

Of course, the adjusting and juggling went nuclear on January 22, when Lim got her concussion.  So, it took a little time to adjust to THAT, but I did, and ran a great River Run race.  That race gave me a great boost training-wise, and the confidence that the new training plan (involving far more rest and adjusting on the fly than I had ever wanted, lol) could work.

Then, I stood up from a chair and almost fell on my face because of some weird pain in my right knee.  Weird.  The next day I went for a simple 6 mile run, and experienced a sensation in my knee I've never felt before -- far different than the standard knee pain that is, well, standard.  The run left me limping horribly and unable to push off the wall or straighten my knee.  An MRI showed no "structural" damage but a heap of inflammation.  Amorphous nothingness in terms of fixing it...

I tried short runs twice more, with the same pain.   Switching to non-weight bearing water running gave me 25 minutes of pain free motion before the same pain kicked in as on the road.  So, for the past few weeks, I've done NO running (in OR out of the water).  I've biked moderately, and swum plenty, but...

Add in very little rest during the three week poopathon (culminating with a whopping 3 hours tonight, through no fault of anyone but my own damn brain) and I don't have low hopes for Sunday, I have NO hopes for Sunday.  The current plan is to do a swim/bike brick and then play it by ear.  Of course the forecast is for 15mph winds out of the east, so it might not be even THAT much if they ace the swim again.  Since it will be the first time I've taken any running steps since the MRI, who knows how it will feel if I actually come out of T2 trying to run.  I'm kind of terrorized that I will take a few steps and, even after several weeks of no running rest, it will feel like it felt when it first happened.

What little killer competitive instinct I had going into this week pretty much evaporated last night anyway, as sometimes being the keeper of the emotions and the worry leaves me drained and listless.  I am sick of drama in our lives -- medical issues, biofather issues, incompetent coaching issues to name a few sources -- and sometimes worrying about the minis (especially Lim right now) just eats me up.  Call it a design flaw in my brain, but... the more tired I get the more my stupid brain spins around and around and around about stuff.  Hence the not overly restful three whole hours of sleep two nights before a big race.

So, this weekend will be about Bim and M, two team members who seem to always take a back seat when it comes to the tri focus yet who are just as talented as the other two, broken, team members.  It won't take much for me to talk myself into taking my focus off of dreading my own race by leaving bumblebee home, and putting it on M's race exclusively.  He deserves it.

...that's my why, what's yours?

Someday, this will all be funny... right?

It's been a few weeks since I've had a chance to update.  Lim's recovery from the PCS continues at an extraordinarily snails pace.  We've been faithfully doing PT, and added in acupuncture as well.  Lim HATES needles, but is a trooper for the acupuncture.  So far she has not had that AHA moment where she is suddenly headache free, but she does seem to be making tiny bits of progress.

Where she could not read or watch tv at all for most of the past 3 months, she now has done both on a limited basis on several occasions.  She reports an increase in headache, but the fact that she is choosing to do it and deal with the headache tells me either it is increasing less or she has increased her tolerance for the pain, or both.

She is back to full schedule, minus PE, at school, and her grades at the quarter check point were almost normal -- all A- and an A.  This is a phenomenal improvement over where she was when she first returned 6 weeks ago (think 50s and no clue why she got wrong answers).  She has to work much harder, but, that won't hurt her in the long run :-)

She has tried to swim and bike a bit, and is slowly adding that back in although it still makes her head hurt a lot and makes her dizzy.   There is no time frame on her getting back to actual serious pursuit of any activities.

To say this has been difficult on her is an understatement.  As the weeks stretch on and the headache remains to varying extents, she's struggled to keep a positive attitude at times.  And, the strain on her sister is showing too, as Bim has been less patient and tolerant of Lim's limitations, and has expressed HER frustration at how everything has to revolve to a certain extent around Lim.

Lim had been looking forward to her 12th birthday on April 15th as kind of a demarcation between illness and a new start.  Unfortunately, that didn't happen, as she rang in her birthday with the headache intact, a nice head cold, and what we thought was a stomach virus.  She had to come home from school early, sick, on her own birthday.  I tried to explain that we would all laugh about it someday, but she doesn't believe me.

After her birthday, the "stomach virus" stretched into a full week, and we went to Mayo.  Now, normally I love Mayo, but in this case I came away a bit irked at how they handled Lim's situation.  After the first week they suggested we put her on the BRAT diet, which is fine.. but now, in retrospect, I am bemused as to why they didn't consider other causations sooner.  Her symptoms continued to worsen, and when I called back a few days later they suggested a trip to the ER.

Now, I am not someone who uses the ER as an extension of my health care provider.  To me, an ER visit has to be, well, an EMERGENCY.  I didn't think this rose to that level, so Lim suffered for several more days of abdominal pain/cramping and 15+ trips a day to the bathroom.

When I saw blood in her stool for a second time, I called Mayo AGAIN and we went AGAIN to see our doctor.  She decided that we might want to do a CT scan and stool sample and some blood work, and again suggested we go to the ER to do all of those.  I preferred to have it done through the regular system, so Lim had her blood drawn, I completed my degree in poopology by collecting stool samples, and we arrived at Mayo at 7am the next day for the scheduled CT.  The doctor also started Lim on a course of Cipro.

We arrived only to discover that, contrary to what our regular doctor appeared to believe, Mayo does not DO scans with contrast on pediatric patients.  So, back home we went to wait for our regular doctor to call (and apologize?) and tell us what to do.

The call finally came late morning (no apology) and we were told to just go to Wolfson's ER.  I got the distinct sense that they were over the entire topic of Lim's stomach issue.  We did go to the ER, where she received fluids after they discovered she was too dehydrated to draw blood from... and they performed an xray and some more blood work as well. 

The ER doctor suggested we consider admitting her for observation and fluids, but agreed that if we felt like we were able to manage it at home, she would be better off at home.  We agreed that we would head home and then, if symptoms continued, come back Monday to the ER and gain admittance to facilitate obtaining a CT scan.  The ER doctor put her on Flagyl, another antibiotic that apparently is prescribed for stomach stuff.

Home we went, and I called Mayo to see if the blood work and/or poop sample testing had returned.  The nurse AGAIN acted like I was a PITA for checking on the results, not all of which had come back yet.

Saturday dawned, and Lim continued with the symptoms.   When a call came in from Mayo's trunk number I knew something was up, since no one calls from there on a Saturday.  Sure enough, the on call doctor called to say the infectious diseasey people had called HIM to let him know Lim's samples came back positive for something called Clostridium Difficile (but his friends call him C-Diff).

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/c-difficile/DS00736

Guess I wasn't such a psycho PITA, huh.  Suddenly, we had Mayo's attention, and the doctor's minions have called pretty much every day to check on Lim's progress.  We've had to up her antibiotics (Flagyl is the first line of defense) as the drugs and the bugs were battling to a draw.  I had to email the school and explain that, while Mayo poohpoohed my concerns, Lim had been wildly contagious for TWO FRIGGIN WEEKS and that the classrooms etc needed to be sanitized.  EHS helpfully sent out an email blast to the entire middle school warning parents of the c-diff invasion, thankfully without naming names.

All in all, it's been a pretty crappy 2011 for Lim, and even I am starting to struggle to keep that sense of humor going...

...that's my why, what's yours?

training volume, such as it is...

It seems like the only time I find time to write is on days I take off, lol.  (Well, I am swimming today,  but as I've said, that's a day off to me).

I've been thinking a lot lately about the differences in the way I train versus the way so many of the triathletes I know train.  I don't know what causes the difference, but it's there and it's obvious, to me at least.  Some possible causes:  different priorities, kids vs  no kids, my propensity for injuries, mental toughness (or lack thereof)... I'm sure there are more.

In a nutshell, I don't do the training volume that everyone else seems to do.  Frankly, I don't know how people find the time, energy, and health to do the kind of training that (sing along) everyone else seems to do.  At times I wonder if I am selling myself short by not pushing it harder or differently.  Other times I know without reservation that I couldn't (wouldn't?) handle the volume others do.

I don't use a coach.  My life is neither predictable nor easily scheduled around a given training requirement, and my training is often based on how my body feels and what needs a rest at that given moment.  (Case in point: I had planned a longer trainer ride and swim today, but when I woke up a) my legs were dead, b) my knees were sore past the acceptable point, and c) I realized I was starting down that path of "more more more" and needed a day off.  So,  off it is...)  I would drive a coach nuts and s/he would stress me out completely, so, no coach.


In many triathlon circles, telling someone you don't use a coach is like telling a group of 4 year olds you don't believe in Santa Claus or telling a hair stylist that you can cut your own hair, thank you very much.


So, I look around at the training my coached friends and acquaintances do (and even some of my uncoached ones!), week in and week out, and, yes, sometimes I feel completely inadequate and like a slacker.   I really do think people would laugh if they knew what my training looks like, yet it is about all I can handle physically and schedually.   I do wonder what I could accomplish if I could/would train as my peers do (peers defined as anyone between the age of 22 and 65, male or female, married or not, kids or no kids, training triathlon, lol), and it takes effort sometimes not to compare and to remember to stay within myself.


My first Oly was 3 years ago this month.  My first full Ironman was 17 months ago.  My first half ironman was last year.  (Yes that is backwards).  Anyway, the point is, I've only been training with any degree of focus for 3 years.  A lot has happened in Matthew's and my world outside of triathlon in those 3 years, which has both detracted from and ultimately improved my training.   It's been a learning process, and I am fairly pleased with where the training falls right now, inadequate in the world of tri-studs though it may be, lol.

For the first time ever I have been running 6 miles or so consistently 5x every two weeks, on average.   I am also swimming consistently, and have been, more or less, for a year.  When I first started I literally did about 700 yards by 50s and called it a day.  As a former swimmer, nothing made me gag more than swimming, lol.  Feeling like a floundering special needs swimmer in the Hammerhead ocean swim in '09 somehow spurred me to actually do more than 1000 yards twice a week.  Now I swim 3k, 3x week on average, and I am pleased with myself for doing THAT.  (So, I smile inwardly when I hear a friend and very accomplished tri-gal say that she only did 2400 so it wasn't even worth doing...)


But, what I am not doing, and will never do, is hit the kind of training volume I hear around me.  18 milers every week.  4 and 5 hour road rides on back to back days.  Seven or eight or nine hour training days.  Wow.  I stand in awe of the ability of my friends to do these things.  I worry about all of them and hold my breath that all the effort will not dissolve in injury before they can reap the benefit of their dedication.  Personally, I'd be in an institution trying to do that, and my kids would hate me.

I always feel like I'm teetering on the edge of turning nagging aches and pains into full blown problems, so training turns into a game of "how close to the edge can I get without falling in" on a daily and weekly, and seasonly, basis.  I think a lot of endurance athletes  play that game, of course.  We all want to push ourselves as far as we can go before something pushes back.  The pounding our bodies take, by definition, leaves us prone to injury if we are not cautious and vigilant.  And, I think we all have a limit that is uniquely our own -- everybody's body draws the line differently.  One training plan that works for me might create a chronic injury for you.  And I KNOW yours would kill me, lol.


So, maybe I am more cautious than my peers, or more hesitant.  I want to be the best I can be, but I want to BE for as long as I can be.  That's not an easy tightrope to walk.  (And, of course, body parts give out without warning or identifiable cause, so the best laid plans can blow up in your face anyway...).  It is always an interesting feeling coming to a starting line and feeling fairly good about your own training while also knowing you are wildly UNDERtrained in the eyes of most of the athletes around you.  Don't get me wrong -- I work HARD, and the nontriathletes out there are convinced I am obsessive and insane.... but compared to my peers.... hmmmm...not so much.

...that's my why, what's yours?

Approaching 10 weeks of headache hell...

Another week has passed by, and Lim remains stalled in constant headacheville.  Some small improvements have been noted in her demeanor and academics (where she was failing she is now getting low Cs, woohoo), but the progress is snail pace slow and she/we struggle sometimes not to get discouraged.  The pediatric neurologist at Shands still believes Lim will make a full recovery, but it is tough to picture that happening anytime soon.  If she could just go an HOUR without the headache... just an hour...

Lim has tried to bike on her trainer a few times and she swam once.  Both cause her headache and dizziness to skyrocket, and she can only do either for 10-15 minutes.  It is encouraging that she wants to try but wildly discouraging that she feels so awful when she DOES try.  (This and other things cause me to flashback to Flowers for Algernon repeatedly, a book that deeply affected me the first time I read it AND when I read it again recently)...

I found her sitting in her room the other day, sadly looking at some pre-concussion papers/grades.  As it has become blindingly apparent that she will not be racing the kids' triathlon in St Pete in a few weeks, or the Ironkids in Orlando in mid-may, she's gotten visibly more frustrated.  She also knows that Gator Swim Camp in June, which she and Bim have been so looking forward to doing (they've never gotten to go to a sleepover camp before, and some teammates/friends are going as well), is looming and that she can't go if she is not in some kind of shape (assuming she is even feeling better by then).

I look at the pics of her playing flag football and soccer as they cycle through my computer screen saver, and MY heart sinks.  I can't imagine how she feels.

She definitely has developed a keen sense of appreciation for things she is now missing.  She has gotten animatedly angry at some of her classmates at times for, in her opinion, being disrespectful to the teachers by either not putting effort into assignments or not taking them seriously.  I doubt I will hear much grousing about morning practices if she ever gets to participate in them again.  She has not complained at all about a school assignment or homework either, as right now she is grateful to be able to even participate to some extent.

Lim is back to what seems to be a full workload of homework now in several classes.  She participates in quizzes and tests now as well, although the teachers are not writing grades on her papers (which is nice, but she can still do the math to figure out a 6 out of 10 is a D).  I have no idea if her grades are counting or not right now, and honestly I really don't care either way.  Lim does, but I keep reminding her that 6th grade grades go nowhere and no one will ever see them.  Her response: "I will see them and the teachers will see them!" - yes, true, but, everyone who matters knows what is going on right now.... which is small to no consolation to a child who takes...well, took... great pride in being a conscientious and successful student.

Her main problem, hopefully caused by the headaches, is what I consider "concentration" or focus -- she forgets to finish a math problem, or forgets to add two things together, or can't retrieve the name for an object or concept.  Apparently words like:  elephant, s'mores, ax, ruler, scale etc are stored directly behind the left ear.  I've also found her substituting similar sounding words for things I know she knows (I can't think of a good example right now, but it is pretty funny when she does it..) and I've seen her struggle repeatedly to recall the right word for concepts she is trying to name.  I suppose it is quite possible that she has incurred some degree of permanent damage because of this, but until the headaches check out we really won't know.

It is coming up on 10 weeks since the concussion.  Sometimes it is hard for her, and me, to believe it will ever change.  The headache has been omnipresent at this level for 8 weeks now.  We stopped the Elavil completely rather than ramp it up to 30mg/day, as she was a walking zombie on it and it had no perceptible positive affect on her headaches.  No OTC pain meds do any good for her headache.

Lim gets physical therapy 3x/week now, and, while Libby feels like many of the issues in her neck are starting to clear up a bit, there has been no perceptible change in the headache AND she is very sore from the exercises and manipulation.  I keep telling her that it can take a long time for PT to really help, and that it usually makes you feel worse in the short-term because it makes everything sore and cranky.  But, even I am starting to lose faith that it is going to really help.

We go in for cognitive testing in a week or two at Nemours, although I don't have any idea what that is supposed to show other than that she is impaired.  Since the Drs have said that she won't be considered permanently disabled until this has gone on for a year, I don't see the point, but...

Another weird byproduct of this entire thing is Lim has become somewhat spooked by all things unknown.  Death, illness, unexpected accidents or events, cancer, and any other sort of bad but uncontrollable and unpredictable thing you can imagine all seem to loom large in her mind, and she gets scared (especially at night) and does not want to be alone.  She seems to be focusing on the scary and bad things out there... and it does not help that she is still not sleeping very well at all, so in addition to chronic pain she is rather zombie like at times with deep black circles under her bright blue eyes.

So, it is a mixed bag to report right now.  Small indicators of progress mixed in with discouraging glitches and constant pain.  Sometimes I wonder if this is all my fault, because I have not hesitated to express my amazement at the girls' accomplishments and my appreciation of their gifts.    Funny thing is, I am just as proud of Lim now as I was before this happened, as she is a fighter and is slowly clawing her way back academically (and I know each "grade" she gets represents effort on her part, which is all I ever care(d) about anyway... doing your best, whatever that may be)... I just feel acutely ill trying to help her walk the line between pushing herself to work her way back AND accepting herself as she is now (ie being kind to herself and understanding that things just are not the way they were right now...).

It's a weird place to be -- we can't really go through the process of mourning what is lost because we are not really sure what IS lost permanently, or when we might know.  It's an awful limbo with no end in sight and no clear path to follow.  And, when you hunker down to get through and then look up and realize another week, or two, or a month, has passed without significant change in the underlying problem, it's hard not to get washed away in the flood of desperation and despair and anger.  So, you withdraw and wallow in your own muck for a few, cry a bit, curse like a longshoreman, vacuum up the endless dog fur, chug some chocolate milk, and go swim.  At least, I do.

...that's my why, what's yours?