Things I've learned during my life as a pillow

As you may know, I've spent the better part of the past 8 days channeling my inner vampire (irrational fear of sunlight) while doing a spot-on imitation of a pillow pet (let's call it a "pillow-mom" - it's a pillow, it's a mom, it's a pillow-mom!) for human and canine alike.

So, given the sheer quantity if time spent in reflective silence, I've learned a few things about myself and the world. For what it is worth, in no particular order:

1. Snuggling with a quietly weeping 11yo and knowing you cannot make it better is a sickeningly frustrating feeling.

2. Seeing my daughter smile and giggle for the first time in a week makes me cry.

3. Apparently the reason I became an ironman athlete was to prepare me mentally for 8 days (and counting) of silent immobility.

4. German Shepherds make wonderful nurses EXCEPT when the doorbell rings or the dog next door comes outside, at which point they return to being completely brainless and clutzy.

5. Head injuries follow no timeline for recovery, which means uber-planners like me are immediately forced to find some inner-equilibrium and flexibility we didn't know we possessed.

6. The simple kindness of people both friend and acquaintance can brighten the day dramatically, even when that person has no idea she/he has done so. Unexpected kindness is a powerful thing that takes minimal effort.

7. Spending the majority of their time at our house has worked miracles for the minis' relationship with each other, and Bim has really stepped up since Lim's injury.

7a. Seeing Bim hug Lim and tell her "I love you" without prompting makes me cry.

7b. Seeing Lim's big smile after 7a makes me cry harder.

8. When the doctors say kids with PCS can have wildly vivid dreams, they are not kidding. Apparently Bim and I were shot in the head and a kitten drowned in the first two nights, and each morning we play that "want to hear about my dream last night" game.

9. Lim has an amazing mind, and the best part of this whole thing has been getting to observe its' fascinating workings. I will never understand why people don't really talk with their children; few things entrance me like glimpsing the development of my kids' personalities and thought processes.

10. Squirrels are hilarious. No wonder dogs sit and watch them all day.

11. When your right shoulder is used extensively as a pillow for a week, it does not particularly enjoy swimming.

12. It is important to fight the guilty feelings and take a few minutes out of each day for myself while serving as universal pillow. It helps make the patient a bit more independent and reinforces my tenuous grasp on sanity.

13. Anger is counter-productive, but we found ourselves struggling mightily with it as we hunkered down with Lim while the biofather galavanted off on a cruise (neglecting to contact me even once in five days to check on Lim).

14. When my daughter does not want anything sweet, she is really not feeling well.

15. I can survive having a completely disrupted and up in the air, fly by the seat of my pants training schedule... But it takes effort and occasionally talking myself down off the cliff and back into perspective-ville.

16. There is something very peaceful about falling asleep with a shepherd draped over my stomach, one smushed up against my legs, and a little blondie smelling sweetly of Angel perfume snuggled into my shoulder.

17. Sara's rule of pillowhood: the odds of your child falling asleep for the first time all day are directly proportionally to the amount of pressure her skull is putting on various nerves in your shoulder.

18. Dog fur should be a food group.

19. There are one heck of a lot of hawks in the preserve behind our house, and they have opinions on EVERYTHING.

20. EHS has the most progressive concussion policy and the most thoughtful teachers and coaches. 20a. Seeing all the cards and posters Lim's teachers had her classmates make for her made me want to hug them all. It also made me cry.

21. For someone who doesn't usually cry unless I am REALLY REALLY angry or completely at wits end, I've teared up a lot this week.

22. It is fascinating seeing the responses of people to what's going on with Lim. Some people have amazed me with their concern; some have stunned me with their indifference.

23. Choosing to lie about going on the cruise and completely ignoring the adversity Lim is dealing with, while still sending glowing messages about how great the cruise is and how the girls should go with him on one soon, may prove to be a nonproductive relationship building tactic. That sound you heard may well have been the final nail in that particular coffin.

24. Even after all this time and all the lies and boneheaded choices, we still have (or had) the capacity to be amazed at the sheer gall. Unfortunately, that gall hurt an already reeling little girl, and. That's. Just. Wrong.

25. While this is not how I would have picked to deliver the lesson, this has provided us with a means of discussing and learning about patience, and long term views.

26. Squirrels turn to stone when hawks are nearby. Even their tails.

27. Just because you are spending your time as a pillow does NOT mean you actually get any rest.

28. After 9 days of lock down, hanging with Lim is like hanging with a mexican jumping bean with a concussion.

29. Eye covers, like the kind you use on airplanes to sleep, are god's gift to pillow moms, because I can at least see out the window and have some light to read by while Lim is in darkness.

30. Telling a child who lives to read that, not only can't she read for herself, but she also can't listen to books on tape, is like telling me I can look at, but not actually eat, chocolate.

That's it for now... back to the dark side we go.

...that's my why, what's yours?

Expect the unexpected...

After talking myself into, and then back out of, going for IMKY again this year, I spent the better part of last week thinking it through AGAIN, this time from a different perspective.  And, I even had the registration page open and ready to go.

Then Lim and a teammate cracked skulls diving from different directions for an interception on Saturday.  I didn't see the actual hit (as always, I view the game through a camera lens) but I saw her drop the ball and roll onto her back holding her head.  Later I found out his forehead had hit her behind the left ear (he came out of the game in tears as well, but his injury was fine right up until he fell out of his bunkbed that night and split his skull open).

Lim immediately burst into tears, which is not necessarily a signal of mortal wounding with her.  Many a soccer or flag football game has seen her clutch a body part, limping heavily and crying but waving off assistance and sniffling back to the ref that she is fine (calling to mind the Jeff Foxworthy piece where he is talking about the man who chopped off his lower leg and, not wanting to look wimpy to his buddies, hops around on one leg repeating "I'm fine, it's ok, no problems here" etc).

But, when we got her up and she said "Mommy I'm really dizzy" and she KEPT crying, came out of the game, held an ice pack to her head, and kept repeating how awful she felt without any concern for the game itself, I knew we had a problem.

A trip to Mayo ER confirmed a concussion, but the ER doctor seemed to think she should be ok to go to school Monday. 

Then the Post Concussion Syndrome kicked in, and Lim has spent the last three days on the couch, snuggling with her stuffed bear and shepherds.  She can't read, watch TV, look at a computer, look at any moving objects, ride in moving objects, listen to the radio for long, or even play with any toys.  Each makes her dizzy and her head hurt even worse.  (try drying the hair of a child whose head you cannot touch on one side...not an easy task).  She got some appetite back yesterday, which was nice.  Most telling, she is not blinking AT ALL at the idea she might not be allowed to play flag football again.  Ever.

I've read a lot about concussions, but it's always been in the abstract.  Watching the severity of Lim's PCS after a fairly minor concussion (no loss of consciousness, no puking) and knowing there is no blueprint or timetable for recovery has been eye opening, and fairly scary.

Her first concern, of course, was making up school work.  Thank GOD for Episcopal's forward thinking concussion protocol policy.  I contacted her teachers and coaches by email and before the weekend was over the middle school guidance counselor was aware of the situation and each of them had responded kindly and with re-assurance.

Being able to tell Lim that there were procedures in place that would ensure she would not get hammered with make-up work the second she walked back in the door, and actually encouraged caution on the timing of her return to school, helped alleviate some of her stress about "getting behind" and making all of her work up.  Knowing that her coaches and teachers were all on the same page about slowly returning her to the land of the living helped MY anxiety about her anxiety, lol.

While Lim can't read or listen to music, she can, apparently, think.  As I've been sitting on the couch under a pile of Lim, dogs, bears, and blankets, I've been asked to discourse on the brain -- it's structure, function, healing and injury, and role in everything we think, feel and do.  Lim has developed quite an interest in learning about this previously taken for granted part of her existence... so much so that I searched online for a book appropriate for her age that provides a good overview of the brain and neuropsychology.

Lim's comment: "Not that it's good I got a concussion, but at least I know I am interested in learning about the brain now."

Yes, we are a bizarre family.

What does any of this have to do with IM training or deciding to do an IM?  Wellllllllll... part of the analysis I've been going through is whether I am capable, mentally and physically, of doing the juggling, re-routing, altering, skipping of workouts, and complete overhauling sometimes (frequently?!) necessitated by my version of parenting.  Not only CAN I do it, but WILL I do it and will I do it with some degree of pleasantness.

Am I capable of giving myself enough rest days, and permission to back off if necessary, or miss outright.  Am I strong enough to push through the cobwebs of exhaustion or stress.  Can I train properly under these circumstances (properly being -- not "just" to finish this time) and can I do so without being miserable and stressed and dragging everyone down into that hole with me?

Training with a concussed, miserable kid is not easy, at least for me.  It is impossible for me to say "ok, you sit there, alone, in silence, staring into space, while I go for a 10 mile run".  And, I just did not have it in me to get up at 4:45 to swim at 5:15 and get back here in time to make lunches and get Bim off to school and be here when Lim stumbled awake.  So, I've grabbed a bike video here and there, taken an extra day off on Monday when we went to Mayo, and am doing my best to just roll with the tide and not get stressed out about being exhausted and not training the way I had planned to this week. 

Of course, now the girls are not going on the cruise, either, which further throws a monkey wrench into the weeks plans (not that I am complaining).

And Lim's recovery could literally take weeks, or longer, which means the chaotic routine we all know is going to be altered for the foreseeable future.  Fitting training in amongst the normal chaos got challenging at times, so who knows what the next few weeks will be like.

I come from the mindset of "if nothing changes, can you handle it the way it is RIGHT NOW" (this is a good philosophy for relationships too, lol), so my thoughts about this season have to assume that the trainus-interuptus currently in existence represents the new norm.  And, if it does, can I adjust to, adapt, or accept the new norm and still pursue certain goals WITH a somewhat pleasant personality and outlook on life.

If I were just thinking about doing another IM for "fun" or for the experience, the answer would be "yes"... but I am not.  

So, I am going to go sit on the couch, in the silent dark, and talk brains and philosophy with Lim, and maybe get in a workout later.  Or not.  And wait for the answer to come to me (knowing full well that no answer can BE an answer in an of itself).  And be thankful that I can even debate the issue while I wait impatiently and anxiously for the fog to lift from my little one.


...that's my why, what's yours?

All that glitters...

I've been thinking a lot about happiness, and fulfillment, and personal challenges/obstacles - mine, and people I know.

This topic comes up frequently in one form or another because of the difficult circumstances some friends of mine find themselves in thanks to various factors in their lives - financial, familial, etc.

Many people look at other people's lives and circumstances and think how much happier their own life would be if they had the other person's __________.  In the blank goes some attribute - time, money, job, freedom, etc - that describes something about the other person's ostensible world that makes it more attractive, we think, than our own.

In reality, though, whose life would you REALLY swap for, in toto?  Can you think of anyone?  I couldn't, and that is not because my life is perfect.  It's because my life is MINE, and I've come to realize that, while I wish I could cherry pick characteristics from other lives, I'd never trade in full.

I think there are a number of areas that combine to create our satisfaction and fulfillment in our "world" and that each of us prioritizes them according to our own standards and values.  One way we get into trouble and find ourselves sad, disappointed, unfulfilled etc is when we allow other people's choices and priorities to reflect our own back poorly.   When we don't accept ourselves and our choices, or we regret those choices and the place they've brought us to over time.

The areas I came up with include: family, friends, career, spirituality, interests/passions, finances, health, and spouse/significant other.  These are the things that engender great emotion in most people.

It is easy to look at another person who seems to enjoy success in an area of our own lives where we feel stress or unfulfilled and think that that person "has it easy" or is in an enviable position.... And sometimes they do (the best example I can think of is the person who inherits his money - he didn't have to work for it and he is not in a pressure filled job earning that money.  It just kind of fell into his lap with no effort on his part)... But more often than not, a quick look beneath the surface reveals that whatever you are envying comes with strings you may not want in your life even IF it meant having what you are envying.

Every step of our life, both forward and back, involves a free choice on our own part.  Who to marry.  Whether to unmarry.  Whether to have kids, or adopt kids if unable to have them ourselves.  What job to take.  Whether to look for another job.  What time to delegate to ourselves, to our family, to our work.  What behavior from others to accept or not.  How we react to the events in our world.  What/who to put effort into and what/who to write off.  How hard we work.  What personal goals we set.  What order our priorities fall.  How we raise our kids and how much responsibility we assume for our extended families.  Etc.

Each choice and decision is based on whatever value we assign various things and what we decide the options are worth or will cost.   I think a lot of our personal angst grows from a dislike of the available options and an ensuing unwillingness to make a choice or a change.  Not choosing is still choosing, whether we like it or not.

If you think about what your perfect life would look like, what would it be?  How realistic is it?  Is attaining that perfection within your control or not? My guess is, it is neither realistic NOR within your control. 

Off the top of my head, my perfect life would involve an endless supply of income with little or no effort or time commitment; the time to train full-time, parent full-time, and pursue a career full-time; a close and fulfilling relationship with my husband, my children, my extended family, and some friends; and stellar health for myself and the people I care about.

Of that I actually HAVE the close and fulfilling relationship with my husband and the girls and some wonderful friends.  The rest I either do not have through my own choices or cannot control and thus do not have, or some combo of the two.

So,  life becomes a series of barters and trade-offs and concessions.  It becomes a constant assessment of priorities and endless cost-benefit analyses. And how happy I am depends entirely on whether I have accepted the limitations my choices have created and whether I embrace without regret the priority based choices I make each day.

It is easy to look at a wealthy man and think how easy he has it and how happy we would be in his shoes.  Seldom do we look past that single facet of his life to examine whether we would ever make the choices and assume the same priorities he has made and set to reach the point we envy.  Is his personal life a shambles?  Does he work long hours and travel often?  Are the job pressures even ones we would EVER want to have on our own shoulders?

So too the age old dichotomy of stay-at-home moms and career moms.  Each tends to look with disdain at the other, yet often that disdain is fueled by jealousy and a sense of loss on both side.  Again, we are where we are by choice and we choose where we go from where we are now.

So too athletes of different competitive levels.  The middle of the pack racer looks at the pros and elites with envy.  How wonderful to be able to just focus on training all day and year!   But the average athlete has no idea of the pressure and personal sacrifices and strain experienced by the higher level racer (we all fear injury or illness- imagine if your very livelihood and reputation hinged on the strength and resilience of your body and mind...) Just as the higher level racer probably cannot imagine the lengths to which the rest of the world must go to participate in a demanding sport while juggling jobs, kids, families, and finances.

I could go on (more than I already have, lol) but the point is simple.  The old adage that the grass is always greener remains apropo.    Scoffing at how easy someone else has it or how happy WE'D be in their shoes etc seems merely an escape from dealing with the hard stuff in our own lives - what do I really want, and what am I willing to do to get it or make it happen?  Change comes in small increments, and we can either change our circumstances by making new choices or change how we view our circumstances by finding peace with the choices we've already made and where they have led us.

There is no escaping the fact that life will continue to happen, and the only thing you can truly control is what you choose and how you choose to look at it.  One of the hardest lessons to learn, and one that requires constant vigilance to remember is, it does no good to spend time and emotion regretting the choices you've made that have brought you to where you are -- all you can do is figure out how to get where you want to be FROM where you are, one small step at a time.  This has always been an achilles heel of mine, as I can wallow quite contentedly in self-recrimination and regret.  The sooner one learns not to, the happier one becomes.

I guess the way I try to look at it is, the grass is always greener, but it may be because it's planted in cow sh*t and it rains a lot.  Try fertilizing and mowing your own before you assume jumping that fence will make you happier.

...that's my why, what's yours?

Music I move to...

A friend of mine suggested I write about some of the music I use for inspiration while working out, and what makes it inspriring.... So, here it goes (you'll notice an angry theme running through a lot of these, lol)


Monsters, Matchbook Romance -- This song originally got me through ten days in the hospital for a stubborn collapsed lung and the ensuing surgery. I jammed out to it while waiting for them to wheel me down to the operating room and again while waiting for my doctor to stop by to take out the chest tube and send me home.

Sound of Madness, Shinedown -- This song taps into my inner bitch who gets REALLY angry at self-styled victims.

Down with the Sickness, Disturbed -- Not only does it have a great beat, but I also "get" the lyrics.... Although the one section makes me cringe and usually gets cut out when I listen to it.

Change, Candlebox-- This is a little mellow in places, but I love the lyrics.

The Catalyst, Linkin Park. -- Just a great beat with simple words.

Bleed it Out, Linkin Park -- The lyrics ("i bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away") and the heavy drum beat make this song one I can listen to repeatedly during a bike or run.

Bawitdaba, Kid Rock -- The live version. Just a great "f@@@ you" song, which is my favorite kind to work out to...

Feel Good Drag, Anberlin

Kryptonite, 3 doors down -- "I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind..." ... "If I go crazy will you still call me superman..."

Something In Your Mouth, Nickelback. -- I cannot listen to this song without grinning for some reason, and the beat is great to cycle hard to too.

If Today Was Your Last Day, Nickelback -- I've always loved this song, but then they played it right before the pro start at IMFL 70.3 last May, and I love it even more. "My best friend gave me the best advice, he said 'each day's a gift and not a given right', leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind, and try to take the path less traveled by..."

How Far We've Come, Matchbox Twenty -- "but, I believe the world is burning to the ground"...

Amazing Grace (both versions), Dropkick Murphys -- There is an instrumental version and a version with words. I don't remember which version was on an episode of The Shield, but it was a very intense episode and the music fit the moment perfectly. Ever since the two songs have been on the intense workout playlist.

Paradise City, Guns and Roses -- My all-time favorite part of a song starts at the 4:30 mark or so.... And just great jamming to run or bike to too.

I also have a playlist of what I consider "mood intensifying" music (for lack of a better description) that includes songs such as:

Past the Point of Rescue, Hal Ketchum

Remember the Name, Fort Minor and Styles of Beyond. - "10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrated power of will, 5% pleasure, 50% pain and 100% reason to remember the name"


Till I collapse, Eminem -- my Ironman Louisville song

Waiting, Watching, Wishing - Antigone Rising -- a band composed of Bucknellians and a folksy song about getting out.

Wonderful, Everclear -- My childhood, lol. You either get this one, or you don't.

Copperhead Road, Steve Earle -- I actually loved dancing to this "couples dance" song, as long as it wasn't with the asshole I was dating at the time.

Funeral for a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding, Elton John -- My favoritist instrumental part of a song ever.

God love her, Toby Keith -- something about his voice and the beat of this song

Paralyzer, Finger Eleven

Welcone To The Black Parade, My Chemical Romance -- "will you defeat them, the demons, and all the nonbelievers..."


...that's (some of my musical) why... What's yours?

unfinished business

I've been debating back and forth on the merits of signing up for IM Louisville 2011.  Yes, I know I've said, fairly emphatically, that I want to and should focus on some shorter things this year, and avoid any BIG commitments (such as an IM).  And part of me (my knees, for example) still feels that way.

BUT... I've been dogged by this feeling of unfinished business.  I've done two IM races now... Florida '09 and Louisville '10... I've finished 10th and 7th in my age group, respectively.  I was VERY happy with my Florida performance.  I was disappointed with myself -- both personally and athletically -- at Lou, and that disappointment only grows stronger with time.

Matthew asked if I thought I could go fast on the course at Louisville.  The simple answer is: Yes.  Of course, IM training and racing is never quite that simple, so the more complex answer is:  Yes, IF the IM training and racing Gods sign off on my prep and performance.

Why am I disappointed in myself and at my performance?  Because I don't think I gave myself the best possible chance to do well.  Was that all my own fault?  No, but, ultimately, yes, because I am the one responsible for how I react to things.  Let's examine the evidence:

1.  While definitely in great "shape" I was NOT in great "Ironman shape" (and yes, there is a huge difference). 

My swimming preparation was fine (actually improved over IMFL), and my biking preparation was more than adequate for a flat course... alas, Lousville is NOT a flat course (call it rollers, call it hills, call it whatever you like...it ain't flat) and I did almost zero preparing for a "not flat" course.

And then there was my run prep.  Or lack there-of.  My prep leading up to IMFL was sketchy enough, with my top distance being a couple of 13 milers and my weekly mileage consistently falling in the 15 mile range.  (Go ahead, laugh, I do...)  But, I was at least running consistent, albeit limited, mileage.

My IM Lou prep, on the other hand, was abysmal.  Whether because of the freakishly hot weather, achy knees, or flagging energy levels, I barely ran at all in the month to six weeks prior to the actual race, and I never ran longer than 10 miles in training (I DID do a half Ironman in May, so ran 13.1 there...count that as my top run, a mere 3 months prior to IM Lou).  Whether it was being unprepared or the awful weather, or a combo of the two, I was disappointed in my marathon at IM Lou.

2.  My mental focus was fuzzy.  I've talked about this before, but suffice it to say I was distracted and allowed those distractions to affect my training.

3. My physical energy level was flagging.  Whether from my viral buddy, or low B12 levels, or mental exhaustion, or who knows what, I seriously considered withdrawing on almost a daily basis from June through the race in late August.

So, in my mind, there is quite a bit of room for improvement in my preparation.

Reasons to try and recoup my pride at IM Lou 2011:

1.  A commitment to doing the proper bike training, as much as practicable.  If that means weekly trips to the Palm Valley Bridge to ride 2 hours of BOOOOORRRRRRIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNG bridge repeats, so be it.  If that means hauling the bike trainer around in my truck so I can take advantage of the girls' 2 hour swim practices and/or lengthy swim meets, so be it.  And, if that means getting my butt out on the Baldwin trail more than once or twice to do a 80+ mile ride, so be it.

2. An acknowledgement that, while I can complete a marathon in 100' weather with minimal run training, I have not demonstrated I can complete it at the speed I WANT to do it.  This suggests a higher motivation to run train, even if it is just 15-20 miles a week consistently with one or two 13-15mile runs thrown in for fun.

3. I liked the course.  The bike was challenging, but I loved going through La Grange twice and I have a much clearer idea of what is involved.  The run course was pleasant, and the half-way turn around and finish were phenomenal and VERY motivational.  The swim, while not as fun as IMFL because of the staggered start, is definitely conducive to a fast time for me, and I would line up even closer to the front than I did last year (besides, the sooner I get on the bike and run course the less likely they will run out of water when I am out there, right?).

4. I fully expect my exhusband to create some sort of drama involving the girls during the course of my training (this is also in the "are you NUTS?!" section, below) and knowing it is coming allows me, theoretically, to insulate myself from the disruptive impact.

5. The girls are, currently, spending all but two weekends a month with us.  (This is ALSO in the "nuts?!" section)  This allows a sense of greater freedom on my part, as I don't feel nearly as much pressure to maximize every second with the girls to make up for missing every other week.  So, while I will still endeavor to schedule the majority of my training while they are asleep or at swim practice, I theoretically will be able to periodically disappear for a few hours to finish a long ride, if necessary.

6. The time of year is ok -- barely the beginning of school and HS swim season.

7. The heat favors us Floridians, especially the ones smart enough to stay hydrated and adjust their race plan to acknowledge said heat.

8.  I respond well to goals and challenges, and I use perceived slights and anger as a prime motivator.  I find myself harboring a simmering anger at myself for allowing things to slide during training last year and at certain other people/things for their BS shenanigans that I then allowed to disrupt my training.

9. My husband will support me no matter what I decide, and thinks I can do anything I set my mind to (I can't, but I appreciate the faith).

10. Heather is racing, and I want to go to Louisville ANYWAY to watch, so why not participate?  Misery loves company, right?

11.  I actually LIKE training for Ironman distance.  I can eat a lot, and I like seeing those little muscles over your hip bones that are so hard to get normally.


And then there are the reasons NOT to sign up:

1. Ironman training SUCKs and is very time consuming.  It will require a lot of juggling on my part, primarily because of my pathological refusal to allow it to interfere with my time with the girls and family time.    I will need to find the discipline to get up early and/or break my workouts up according to swim practice times and other activities, and also find the energy and flexibility to adjust my workout schedule on the fly, according to everyone else's schedules.  If I don't have that discipline or buckle from exhaustion, I'll be in the same position as last year.

2. My exhusband is liable to freak out, yet again, if the girls do not resume the schedule he wants (alternating weeks at each house) but which they abhor.  This freak out could involve attorneys and/or court action, which, while insane (does anyone actually think the judge will give him full custody, order the girls to want to go see him more, or throw the girls in jail if they don't want to go to his house for a week at a time!?), would still be expensive, disruptive, and stressful.

3.  The girls are with us all except two weekends a month now.  In the past I have engrossed myself in training to dull the pain of the girls being gone.  Now... see #1, above.

4. Expenses.

5. Concern that the underlying issue causing me to fluctuate from exhausted to ok to, occasionally, energized, will continue or even get worse, thus making the training a death march and causing me to be perpetually energy-less around the girls and Matthew.

6. The ever present worry that my knees will give out once and for all.

7. Logistics -- school is in, swimming has started, it's a 12 hour drive, gotta find a dog sitter...

8.  It would be my 3rd IM in 24 months.  For someone who never thought she'd even do ONE (and who only believes she's actually done two because there is photographic evidence and the medals had to come from SOMEWHERE) that is a lot.

Stay tuned.   :-)

...that's my why, what's yours?