Hello again

Four months since my last post... that's sad :(

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... oh, wait, someone used that already... and I can't really say it's been the worst of times either.  It's been... challenging.  From a Team DiPaolo perspective, the summer went very well.  LiM continued to recover nicely from her PCS, BiM tore up the pool swimming-wise, and we had a relaxing and happy summer.   My triathlon season went well, M's races went well (6th at Nationals!), LiM qualified for Ironkids Nationals again in her first (and only) kids' race this summer.  No real vacations, but a nice trip to PA to see family and friends (and race the Philly Tri)...

On the flip side, the exH reared his sociopathic head, refused to pay for the girls' tuition (after it was due) and filed two motions against me in court in July (perhaps to be discussed in another post), and LiM incurred another concussion when she was hit in the head after the kids' tri.  After a few weeks of quiet inactivity she emerged from the setback happy and raring to get to school and high school swimming.  Alas, the exH has not gone away so easily or quickly.

BiM's 9th grade camping trip, back in August, has led to 4 weeks of various viruses and illnesses and disruption of swimming, culminating with trips to Mayo, various tests, and a week of Mother-ordered sleep.  Now, with less than 3 weeks until Districts and the start of the state series, BiM is scrambling to try and make up for a lost month, and I'm holding my breath hoping this season that started out so promising isn't a complete loss for her. 

Our district (and hence our region) is by far the toughest in the state thanks to the presence of Bolles, who automatically fills 4 out of the (up to) 8 spots that move on in every event.  This does not leave much room for error in a district that includes Bishop Kenny, Providence, Fernandina, and a smattering of other strong swimmers spread throughout the other schools.  Oh, and us, of course.  It is entirely possible that one or more swimmers will swim a time that would, in one of the other regions, pass all the way through to states, yet won't finish top 8 in our district.  The pressure to perform in the prelim (morning) swims is intense.  A month ago BiM was eying top 16 in two individual events at states; now she may not make it out of the district.

LiM, on the other hand, is on a rampage.   Her times are dropping and she is swimming with intensity and purpose.  Unfortunately, she too is probably looking at missing regions by one spot depending on who swims the 500 free.  We keep talking about swimming for personal best times, not places, but the reality is she is going to be VERY upset if she hits her goal time and still ends up missing regions.

Now, the adults among us might be thinking that the fact that LiM is even in a position to compete at this level is an absolute miracle given everything that kid has been through this year.  On the drive back from Tampa last weekend LiM and I discussed the concussion and its aftermath, and she informed me that she is "not the same person" she was before the ordeal.  I agree. 

For the past few months I have noticed that she (and her sister to a certain extent) have an unusual sense of purpose and internal drive when it comes to swimming (and academics).  LiM comes at her events, which are unusual events for a kid her age to want to swim in the first place, with a strategy and analytical view that most kids don't have (or don't show).  She knows pacing, splits, race strategy... she has a clear idea of how she wants to swim and what she wants to accomplish... and she is taking steps to achieve those goals.

LiM informed me that since emerging from the fog she thinks she is more mature than her peers, and that she appreciates things more.  "I used to get kind of tired of practice and not want to do the harder stuff sometimes, but now I can't wait and I love how good it feels after it's over."  Where a lot of people look at things as an imposition or hassle (like homework), LiM just chugs along, happy to be able to do it.  "I did a lot of thinking because I couldn't do anything else" is how she describes it.

When the darkness is closing in and everything seemed so bleak, I clung (and tried to encourage her to cling) to the hope that, somehow, someday, she would emerge stronger and more resilient from the experience.  Always in the back of my mind was the fear that she would change in the opposite direction -- become bitter, or afraid, or tentative, or negative.  She buzzed by the truck the other day after school to grab her swim stuff, rattled off a string of stellar grades, smirked and said "Nothing can stop me"...  and all I could do was smile and marvel.

The quarter ends next Thursday.  BiM has struggled (for her, for me it would be good grades) a bit in a couple of her classes as she adapts to actual deduction and application of concepts rather than straight up memorization.  Perhaps another post I will write is whether allowing her to start school "early" has been a positive or a negative.  It is easy to forget sometimes that she is the second youngest kid in her class, yet is a high level varsity athlete AND carrying a full load of honors classes.   She still has a chance to land straight As (sigh).  LiM...well, she has target lock on a full slate of A+ grades, although she may "only" get As in one or two classes.   The interesting thing is, they love getting high grades, but shrug off the random lower test grade and won't blink particularly if a quarter grade isn't what they wanted particularly.  Somehow they've hit the sweet spot of being highly motivated without being highly strung.  It's fascinating.

As for me, and training/racing.... well, that all came to a screeching halt after Bfas 3 in July.  I had already pulled out of IMLou before the bully attacked again with his court crap, and ended up pulling out of the Race to Miami a few weeks ago thanks to bronchitis and a general lack of motivation.  As the keeper of the stress for Team DiPaolo (when it comes to dealing with the Captain), I've hit the wall.  And, frankly, racing just doesn't seem that important right now given everything else -- especially the importance of shielding the girls as much as possible to give them as much time and normalcy as I can muster for them. 

The Captain waited until summer was over to launch his attacks, thus guaranteeing disruption right when the girls began high school (BiM) and high school swim season.  Given that school and swimming are very important to both of them, and he damn well knows that, his timing is curious.  As I juggle the legal issues (discovery, document production, communicating with counselors/attorneys, the attendant stress and worry) and the girls' schedules/academics/doctor's appointments/counselor appointments all the while trying to keep them in the water in spite of the Captain's attorney's declaration that "extracurricular activities" should take a backseat to his demands.... well, it doesn't leave much in the tank.

It is unsettling as many friends gear up for Kona and others are training for firsts (first marathons, half marathons etc) and I drift along with no goals and no energy to set any.  Training and pursuing goals has been a big part of who I am, and losing that now is really awful timing as the stress level rises and the one positive way I have to deal with it (exercise) becomes probably the last thing I need to be doing right now from a physical health perspective.   The symptoms I have now (awful tightness and pain in my chest, shortness of breath, crazy fatigue, rattling/wheeze in my lungs) remind me very much of 7 or 8 years ago when my virus buddy attacked the lining of my heart.  Now, as then, I seem relegated to sucking on an inhaler and waiting for it to run it's course. 

Feeling useless, pointless, and completely unable to control some major aspects of my life is not a pleasant existence.  For now, I'm just trying to hunker down and focus on keeping the girls on track (see next post) and get through this time.  Being under seige by a bully who is a complete waste of carbon and space is the added insult to the injury of feeling like, other than whatever positive effect I am having on the girls, I am wasting precious time right now.

...that's my why, what's yours?