Back in... february? march? I closed my eyes and hit "register now" for IMLou 2011. I did it after much thought and analysis and consideration of the summer schedule and why I wanted to race it again. With a unanimous "ay" vote from the team I believed I could balance training and family properly and be prepared to RACE it this time. I did this in spite of the on-going PCS battle and all it's limitations on our world. And, for a few months, I was very happy with how training progressed. I was running well AND consistently, which was the key to a better race than last year.
And then my right knee fell apart. Not in a fixable way, of course. Just in a "wow that's really full of tendonitis" kind of way. A "might hurt, might not" kind of way. A "feels like it's going to implode, but doesn't, for 5 miles" but then "falls apart completely at the 5 mile 1 yard mark" kind of way.
Ok, I thought, I can water jog, and elliptical, to supplement. Nurse it back to health. That'll take some juggling and adjusting, but, it'll be fine. I can carry on and stay the course for Lou.
Then Lim got C-Diff. And the PCS continued. And the knee... stayed squirrely. And the water jogging and elliptical hurt too.
And I started looking at the dwindling number of weeks and the time constraints and the running constraints and my goals... and realized pretty quickly that the cost-benefit analysis was becoming rather weighted towards the cost side. I lay awake several nights considering the possible options: push the knee in training and break before or during the race; baby the knee in training and probably run an awful marathon again; pursue a moderate approach to training and risk cramping and/or dying and/or breaking after 6 or 10 miles of the marathon; and, of course, having a great race in spite of everything.
And then I watched JC's freakishly awful experience at IMTX (in spite of her being far more prepared than I could ever hope to be...) and realized that, even if the run-up to the race goes perfectly, which mine would not (by definition: motherhood, when made a priority = chaotic unexpected demands on time), the whole race can turn into a fiasco before your very eyes, and there is nothing you can do to predict OR avoid it.
And the scale tilted all the way to COST. So I emailed the Ironman people and requested a withdrawal. Being the customer service oriented group they are, I have yet to hear back from them, but, the decision is made.
And within a few days of sending that email, Lim landed in the ER with a 103' fever, which resulted in the loss of an entire night of sleep and now, four days later, a very disrupted training schedule remains thanks to a lingering sleep-deprivation headache and tired tired muscles.
Now, I know my decision surprised some friends, and even disappointed them...and I greatly appreciate the support. But, the decision was a lot easier for me than one might think, and I have only the tiniest sliver of regret.
Triathlon, while a passion, is not my life. My family is my life. At the end of my time on this planet, I do not expect to be holding hands with my tri bike, nor do I expect my awards or training log to sit around drinking wine and sharing stories of my life at my funeral. I do not consider it an imposition, or even a sacrifice, really, to "give up" the pursuit of personal goals for the greater good of the Team.
Our daughters are in the part of their lives where their life course is being charted. They will have exactly one high school and college career as humans, athletes and students. Their attitudes towards and outlook on life are being formed and set NOW. Call me old fashioned, but I think that needs to weigh heavily in the cost-benefit analysis that is the serious pursuit of a personal passion as an adult (in this case, triathlon).
I don't have particular personal "dreams" other than raising happy, healthy children and enjoying time with the man I love (that would be you, Matthew). I love to train and race, and enjoy having a goal race or two to strive for each season. There are a long list of races that are on my "would be cool to do someday" list, but, honestly, I won't lose sleep over not doing one or all of them. Yeah, it would be really cool to say I qualified for Kona or made an Ironman race podium. But, I don't "need" to try for that, or accomplish that. In fact, I can't really think of any single thing (besides being a good mother, wife, and person) I rank so importantly in my life that failure to pursue or accomplish it would ruin my day or cause me angst.
It's why pulling out of 70.3 Worlds last November when I already had the athlete wristband on was not that difficult a decision for me. It's why I had already decided that, even if by some miracle I earned a Kona slot at IM Lou, I was not going to go this year.
Others are free to debate whether it is a personality strength or flaw that I do not want to put myself first under those circumstances. It would not make me happy to do so, and NOT doing so does not make me UNHAPPY. So, flaw or strength, you decide for yourself. I'm good with it.
I think I learned my lesson about Ironman races for now... IF I decide to register for one again it will have to be one that is held during the school year, and outside of high school swim season (and, probably, high school track season). It would need to be NOT at the end of the summer, or will need to wait until one or more of the girls are driving. There is a limit to how much I can juggle and adjust and accommodate, and I think serious Ironman training and travel exceeds that limit right now. (and by serious, I mean, going to race and give myself the best shot at a podium finish/Kona slot as possible).
I was willing to contort myself dementedly this summer to train for and compete in IM Lou in August ONLY if I could compete at the level I wanted to this time -- and that was entirely dependent on my preparation (which I could somewhat control) and the race Gods (which I cannot control but can try to appease with sacrificial and superstitious offerings). When my quirky knee reduced my control over the preparation, and JC's experience emphasized that the race Gods don't NEED a reason to smite you down to size, the costs to Team DiPaolo far exceeded the benefits to Sara. End of story.
So, what now? The BFAS sprints are fun, but not exactly goal races. Matthew has the 5i50 National Championships in Iowa in September which, had I decided this a few weeks faster I could have signed up for too (although I kind of like that it is HIS show, alone). There's the Hot in August that I may sign up for here in Jax. There's a cool race in Miami in late September that, if EHS would ever decide what the swim schedule is for the fall, Matthew and I would love to do. Beyond that, it really depends on what time, knees, schedules, and inclination dictate.
And, just because I've wanted to race a race close to home in the hopes some friends and family will come watch and hang out afterwards, we are going to road trip to the Philadelphia Insurance Tri (I will do the Oly and M will race the sprint) at the end of June. There is always the chance my knee will crap out on me, but limping a 10k is much more palatable than limping a marathon, so... off we go :-)
...that's my why, what's yours?
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