So, given the sheer quantity if time spent in reflective silence, I've learned a few things about myself and the world. For what it is worth, in no particular order:
1. Snuggling with a quietly weeping 11yo and knowing you cannot make it better is a sickeningly frustrating feeling.
2. Seeing my daughter smile and giggle for the first time in a week makes me cry.
3. Apparently the reason I became an ironman athlete was to prepare me mentally for 8 days (and counting) of silent immobility.
4. German Shepherds make wonderful nurses EXCEPT when the doorbell rings or the dog next door comes outside, at which point they return to being completely brainless and clutzy.
5. Head injuries follow no timeline for recovery, which means uber-planners like me are immediately forced to find some inner-equilibrium and flexibility we didn't know we possessed.
6. The simple kindness of people both friend and acquaintance can brighten the day dramatically, even when that person has no idea she/he has done so. Unexpected kindness is a powerful thing that takes minimal effort.
7. Spending the majority of their time at our house has worked miracles for the minis' relationship with each other, and Bim has really stepped up since Lim's injury.
7a. Seeing Bim hug Lim and tell her "I love you" without prompting makes me cry.
7b. Seeing Lim's big smile after 7a makes me cry harder.
8. When the doctors say kids with PCS can have wildly vivid dreams, they are not kidding. Apparently Bim and I were shot in the head and a kitten drowned in the first two nights, and each morning we play that "want to hear about my dream last night" game.
9. Lim has an amazing mind, and the best part of this whole thing has been getting to observe its' fascinating workings. I will never understand why people don't really talk with their children; few things entrance me like glimpsing the development of my kids' personalities and thought processes.
10. Squirrels are hilarious. No wonder dogs sit and watch them all day.
11. When your right shoulder is used extensively as a pillow for a week, it does not particularly enjoy swimming.
12. It is important to fight the guilty feelings and take a few minutes out of each day for myself while serving as universal pillow. It helps make the patient a bit more independent and reinforces my tenuous grasp on sanity.
13. Anger is counter-productive, but we found ourselves struggling mightily with it as we hunkered down with Lim while the biofather galavanted off on a cruise (neglecting to contact me even once in five days to check on Lim).
14. When my daughter does not want anything sweet, she is really not feeling well.
15. I can survive having a completely disrupted and up in the air, fly by the seat of my pants training schedule... But it takes effort and occasionally talking myself down off the cliff and back into perspective-ville.
16. There is something very peaceful about falling asleep with a shepherd draped over my stomach, one smushed up against my legs, and a little blondie smelling sweetly of Angel perfume snuggled into my shoulder.
17. Sara's rule of pillowhood: the odds of your child falling asleep for the first time all day are directly proportionally to the amount of pressure her skull is putting on various nerves in your shoulder.
18. Dog fur should be a food group.
19. There are one heck of a lot of hawks in the preserve behind our house, and they have opinions on EVERYTHING.
20. EHS has the most progressive concussion policy and the most thoughtful teachers and coaches. 20a. Seeing all the cards and posters Lim's teachers had her classmates make for her made me want to hug them all. It also made me cry.
21. For someone who doesn't usually cry unless I am REALLY REALLY angry or completely at wits end, I've teared up a lot this week.
22. It is fascinating seeing the responses of people to what's going on with Lim. Some people have amazed me with their concern; some have stunned me with their indifference.
23. Choosing to lie about going on the cruise and completely ignoring the adversity Lim is dealing with, while still sending glowing messages about how great the cruise is and how the girls should go with him on one soon, may prove to be a nonproductive relationship building tactic. That sound you heard may well have been the final nail in that particular coffin.
24. Even after all this time and all the lies and boneheaded choices, we still have (or had) the capacity to be amazed at the sheer gall. Unfortunately, that gall hurt an already reeling little girl, and. That's. Just. Wrong.
25. While this is not how I would have picked to deliver the lesson, this has provided us with a means of discussing and learning about patience, and long term views.
26. Squirrels turn to stone when hawks are nearby. Even their tails.
27. Just because you are spending your time as a pillow does NOT mean you actually get any rest.
28. After 9 days of lock down, hanging with Lim is like hanging with a mexican jumping bean with a concussion.
29. Eye covers, like the kind you use on airplanes to sleep, are god's gift to pillow moms, because I can at least see out the window and have some light to read by while Lim is in darkness.
30. Telling a child who lives to read that, not only can't she read for herself, but she also can't listen to books on tape, is like telling me I can look at, but not actually eat, chocolate.
That's it for now... back to the dark side we go.
...that's my why, what's yours?
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