Then Lim and a teammate cracked skulls diving from different directions for an interception on Saturday. I didn't see the actual hit (as always, I view the game through a camera lens) but I saw her drop the ball and roll onto her back holding her head. Later I found out his forehead had hit her behind the left ear (he came out of the game in tears as well, but his injury was fine right up until he fell out of his bunkbed that night and split his skull open).
Lim immediately burst into tears, which is not necessarily a signal of mortal wounding with her. Many a soccer or flag football game has seen her clutch a body part, limping heavily and crying but waving off assistance and sniffling back to the ref that she is fine (calling to mind the Jeff Foxworthy piece where he is talking about the man who chopped off his lower leg and, not wanting to look wimpy to his buddies, hops around on one leg repeating "I'm fine, it's ok, no problems here" etc).
But, when we got her up and she said "Mommy I'm really dizzy" and she KEPT crying, came out of the game, held an ice pack to her head, and kept repeating how awful she felt without any concern for the game itself, I knew we had a problem.
A trip to Mayo ER confirmed a concussion, but the ER doctor seemed to think she should be ok to go to school Monday.
Then the Post Concussion Syndrome kicked in, and Lim has spent the last three days on the couch, snuggling with her stuffed bear and shepherds. She can't read, watch TV, look at a computer, look at any moving objects, ride in moving objects, listen to the radio for long, or even play with any toys. Each makes her dizzy and her head hurt even worse. (try drying the hair of a child whose head you cannot touch on one side...not an easy task). She got some appetite back yesterday, which was nice. Most telling, she is not blinking AT ALL at the idea she might not be allowed to play flag football again. Ever.
I've read a lot about concussions, but it's always been in the abstract. Watching the severity of Lim's PCS after a fairly minor concussion (no loss of consciousness, no puking) and knowing there is no blueprint or timetable for recovery has been eye opening, and fairly scary.
Her first concern, of course, was making up school work. Thank GOD for Episcopal's forward thinking concussion protocol policy. I contacted her teachers and coaches by email and before the weekend was over the middle school guidance counselor was aware of the situation and each of them had responded kindly and with re-assurance.
Being able to tell Lim that there were procedures in place that would ensure she would not get hammered with make-up work the second she walked back in the door, and actually encouraged caution on the timing of her return to school, helped alleviate some of her stress about "getting behind" and making all of her work up. Knowing that her coaches and teachers were all on the same page about slowly returning her to the land of the living helped MY anxiety about her anxiety, lol.
While Lim can't read or listen to music, she can, apparently, think. As I've been sitting on the couch under a pile of Lim, dogs, bears, and blankets, I've been asked to discourse on the brain -- it's structure, function, healing and injury, and role in everything we think, feel and do. Lim has developed quite an interest in learning about this previously taken for granted part of her existence... so much so that I searched online for a book appropriate for her age that provides a good overview of the brain and neuropsychology.
Lim's comment: "Not that it's good I got a concussion, but at least I know I am interested in learning about the brain now."
Yes, we are a bizarre family.
What does any of this have to do with IM training or deciding to do an IM? Wellllllllll... part of the analysis I've been going through is whether I am capable, mentally and physically, of doing the juggling, re-routing, altering, skipping of workouts, and complete overhauling sometimes (frequently?!) necessitated by my version of parenting. Not only CAN I do it, but WILL I do it and will I do it with some degree of pleasantness.
Am I capable of giving myself enough rest days, and permission to back off if necessary, or miss outright. Am I strong enough to push through the cobwebs of exhaustion or stress. Can I train properly under these circumstances (properly being -- not "just" to finish this time) and can I do so without being miserable and stressed and dragging everyone down into that hole with me?
Training with a concussed, miserable kid is not easy, at least for me. It is impossible for me to say "ok, you sit there, alone, in silence, staring into space, while I go for a 10 mile run". And, I just did not have it in me to get up at 4:45 to swim at 5:15 and get back here in time to make lunches and get Bim off to school and be here when Lim stumbled awake. So, I've grabbed a bike video here and there, taken an extra day off on Monday when we went to Mayo, and am doing my best to just roll with the tide and not get stressed out about being exhausted and not training the way I had planned to this week.
Of course, now the girls are not going on the cruise, either, which further throws a monkey wrench into the weeks plans (not that I am complaining).
And Lim's recovery could literally take weeks, or longer, which means the chaotic routine we all know is going to be altered for the foreseeable future. Fitting training in amongst the normal chaos got challenging at times, so who knows what the next few weeks will be like.
I come from the mindset of "if nothing changes, can you handle it the way it is RIGHT NOW" (this is a good philosophy for relationships too, lol), so my thoughts about this season have to assume that the trainus-interuptus currently in existence represents the new norm. And, if it does, can I adjust to, adapt, or accept the new norm and still pursue certain goals WITH a somewhat pleasant personality and outlook on life.
If I were just thinking about doing another IM for "fun" or for the experience, the answer would be "yes"... but I am not.
So, I am going to go sit on the couch, in the silent dark, and talk brains and philosophy with Lim, and maybe get in a workout later. Or not. And wait for the answer to come to me (knowing full well that no answer can BE an answer in an of itself). And be thankful that I can even debate the issue while I wait impatiently and anxiously for the fog to lift from my little one.
...that's my why, what's yours?
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