"Mommy, why don't more parents care about what their kids do?"
How's THAT for an interesting question from a standard issue 11 year old?
She followed that up with "if it's this bad now, imagine what it will be like when I have kids."
(By the way, this is, to me, empirical evidence that kids really DO listen, and absorb, what their parents say to them IF they follow up the words with actions.)
What spurred this particular conversation? Lim's experience at a recent sleep-over party with some school friends.
Now, we've hosted some massive sleep overs and some mini sleep-overs, so the main role model the girls have for sleep-over protocol comes from our house. Right, wrong, or indifferent, we maintain a hands-on approach to having guests. There is not a free flow of junk food, and we vet TV and movie consumption. And, the computer is off-limits.
We don't really go to bed until things quiet down, and (thanks to all the german shepherd ears and instincts in the house, mine included) it would be difficult for much to go on without waking at least 3 members of the household up, immediately. It is a close call to say who growls with more authority at 3a, Mia or me.
We try to make sure, without hovering, that all kids are involved and included, and that everyone has what they need (within reason) to have a good, comfortable time. If there is the slightest question about a tv show or movie as to appropriateness or whether anyone's parent would not want them watching, we default to "no". This is not difficult stuff -- when the 13yo contingent discussed watching The Breakfast Club but someone wasn't sure if it would be ok, they were told to pick another one, and I think they picked a cartoon movie. Deep down, these kids are still kids.
Anyway...it was with reluctance I let Lim go to this particular sleepover as I had gotten a very weird feeling from speaking with the hostess' mother (the first time I EVER spoke to her she babbled for almost an hour, and only exposure to it would explain it, as the girls didn't really "get it" until they met her...but they do now, lol). But, enough girls were going that I figured it would be ok.
In some ways Lim had a lot of fun. However, sleeping alone on a couch because the disagreement over who was sleeping where that ensued at 2a (4 hours after the adults had retired to bed in another wing of the house) went unresolved by any adult intervention, and, the next morning, having to choose to remove herself from the room and wait, alone, downstairs because the kids put on (with the host mother's permission) a movie Lim knows she may not watch were two of the several things that gave Lim (and me) pause.
To L's immense credit, she chose to leave the room and call me rather than stay and lie to me (via omission or commission) about the movie (Vampire's Suck... PG13 and chock full of raunchy sexual humor and situations). I was proud of her for that, but completely astounded that a parent would either be so oblivious or so... uncaring... as to allow that situation to continue. The mother knew Lim was downstairs, alone, as did the daughter, but downstairs alone she remained until I picked her up.
It was the ensuing conversation between Lim and me that resulted in her insightful quotes. I asked her if it bothered her that I had rules like that, and she said "no, I think it's stupid other moms don't" (I replied, "good, because even if it did bother you the rules would still be there" lol). She told me how the girl whose party it was was bragging about watching rated R movies and such (which of course may or may not be true, as I pointed out to Lim... but Lim amazingly brags about how she is NOT allowed to watch them... I've truly raised strange kids) and it seemed to bother her that the other kids felt that their mothers would tell them it was ok and their fathers wouldn't care anyway.
Am I the only one who finds that not only sad but deeply worrisome? Have we become such a...lazy? scared? spineless? society that we basically are afraid to discipline or place limits on our children? YES it takes effort, and resolve, and thick skin at times. YES it means your kids may not like you for a few minutes, or even a few hours. YES it means you have to stop what you are doing and PAY ATTENTION to what is going on around you. Yes, it means giving up sleep sometimes. It means putting yourself second, or third, or last. It means filling your life with what can feel like menial or tedious concerns (woohoo, art projects, making lunches, and folding laundry! That law degree is sure paying off now!) instead of just doing what you want to do, when you want to do it. It means not returning that phone call or text message right away because your child is speaking to you and needs you to listen.
Being a parent is not supposed to be a popularity contest. The basic 11 year old is going to say someone is mean if that someone doesn't allow them to have 6 donuts for breakfast (btw, breakfast at the sleepover: donuts, muffins, and bacon). In other words, consider the source, lol. When did parents decide they would do anything, be anything, ALLOW anything just to placate their kids? When did parents stop paying attention?
Is facebook, or a tv show, or a hair appointment, or tennis league, or the gossip from a friend, or a job, or shopping, or sleeping, or ANYTHING really so much more important that adults feel justified in abdicating the very important role of parent? How did we get to the point where parents will do ANYTHING to keep their little darling from experiencing frustration, disappointment, or delayed gratification?
Yes, we all have different ideas of how to raise our kids, and what is appropriate at what age etc. (It really does vary with each child, too. Christi can handle death and violence; Lexi cries when penguins die on March of the Penguins.) I am not going to pass judgment (well, publicly anyway, lol) on what other parents choose to allow their kids to do and watch. BUT, I do think it is basic courtesy to be paying enough attention to the world around you, and what your kids are doing - to recognize that not everyone is the same and to endeavor to respect that.
Our world just seems filled with oblivious people -- and being oblivious to those around you is a form of selfish laziness. And maybe that is a great topic for another post -- the pervasive, destructive lazy factor that has seeped into every aspect of so many lives: personal, professional, parenting. Alas, that post will have to wait, as Lim has finally emerged from her cocoon and a hug and breakfast beckons.
...that's my why, what's yours?
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