Someone sold us snakeoil...

 I'm not sure this will make any sense to anyone but me, but I felt the need to express it, so here it is... lol.

Someone, sometime, in the past forty years, successfully sold the female population snake-oil disguised as equality and freedom of choice.  Drinking that snake oil has led to a generation or more of women who think we can and SHOULD be able to do it all -- equally to men, without additional obstacles or issues to handle.

They lied.

From the second women hit puberty we come to repeated forks in the road.  One fork tends to be "the road less traveled" (thank you, Mr. Frost) and one tends to be the road most accepted by conventional wisdom and our peers.  Although less prevalent than when I was beginning my teen years, the pressure on girls to follow social norms and fit in with accepted behaviors begins to grow.  This pressure often takes the form of resistance to dedicated pursuit of athletics or any other time consuming interest (the arts, musical instruments etc).  Instead, the subtle and not so subtle message is that focus on an activity will detract from your social life, inhibit your ability to get a job (de rigeur now for teen agers), and probably make you less attractive to the opposite gender (unless, of course, you are a cheerleader).  It might even get you tagged as a lesbian, depending on your sport and your dedication to it.

As girls get older the pressure still remains to find a guy and put his interests and job choices ahead of your own.  Rare indeed does it seem to be the female in a serious relationship who continues to pursue, at a high level, a sport past college.  The pressure to choose a career, settle down, and enjoy a social life remains constant as women graduate and move into the "real" world.

As our 20s and early 30s pass, the choices move to kids or career, or husband's career vs own career, etc.  If she is blessed enough to still be a competitive age group or elite level athlete, the choice becomes if or when to start or add to a family.  Once you have a family, the split in the road carries you towards your own goals OR towards your childrens' -- and sometimes the roads overlap, or are close enough together you can drive back and forth between two points on them on the same day (lol), but a lot of time they seem to just meander off on their own, far out of sight, and reach, of each other.

I've been thinking about this topic a fair amount lately -- both in the context of my own world AND that of some of the wonderfully talented ladies I am blessed to know and compete with here in Jacksonville.

In my own world, as we juggle this falls' events as a family (swim meets, triathlons, etc) and I think ahead to coming seasons (both my triathlon and the girls' swim seasons.... plus any other sports Limine picks up along the way, plus kids' triathlons as well...) the split in the road becomes readily apparent.

Events like IMFL probably come off the board for the next 6 years, as IMFL falls on one of the three days high school region meets can be scheduled, and IMFL requires registration LONG before the dates of the meets are actually announced (and $550 is too much money to play russian roulette with in hopes of getting lucky).  Events like IM70.3 Worlds also become very iffy -- not just from a qualifying perspective, but because WC are the same weekend as High School States, and it is only through luck that I can compete in them this year (the girls' classification swims Thurs this year, and it is in orlando, so I can make the drive back and forth between prelims and finals to check in... but in future years the location AND the day they swim will change, so...).

Training and competing in IMKY this year taught me that the window during the year to do an IM is much narrower than I originally thought, and if I want to compete in one again I need to fit it in between March and late May, or not at all, because juggling kids' events and training and school and traveling about put me over the edge this time around, and it will only get worse as they progress through HS.... and even if I wanted to, or ever COULD, qualify for Kona, the event falls right. in. the. middle. of. high. school. swim. season.  SIGH.

So, for me, picking goal races is getting a little harder for the next few years.  Any races requiring traveling have to be vetted according to swim schedule (and perhaps soccer/track as well), school schedule, custody schedule, and any other events the girls want to participate in (ie kids' triathlons).  Any races that qualify for other races have to occur when I have enough schedule knowledge to commit if I am lucky enough to qualify, or I have to be willing to pass up a slot... and this will be so for probably the next 6 years, and perhaps beyond that if anyone ends up competing in college.

I don't HAVE to make that choice, of course.  That's the point of the fork in the road -- you get to choose your direction.  I'd venture to say that most women agonize over the choices, and some end up regretting whichever choice they pick... and I bet we ALL wonder "what if" or "if only"...  But, ultimately, WE are in control of our own choices and how we react to them.

And then, of course, there are the people who don't understand your choice(s) and feel free to verbalize that to you without your expressed desire for their opinion.  Everyone knows exactly how he or she would handle something "if I were you" etc.  It's easy when you don't have to deal with the nuances, the emotions, the frustrations, or the expectations.  It's a lot less easy when you are actually wearing the shoes that have to walk the path.

I haven't discussed this particular topic with some of the younger ladies who are so gifted in the triathlon world, but I suspect they feel, or think they should feel, the pressure that comes with being so talented AND a female.  This is a pressure wholly different than any similarly situated male will ever feel.  Imagine being close to the top of your sport, and still drawn by the challenge of seeing how far you can go -- yet having others point out your "ticking clock"...  Imagine having to decide when to walk away, at least temporarily, from something you love -- with no idea of whether you will get it back all the way, or even WANT to if you have a child.   Training to be a serious athlete is a very selfish existence, in a lot of ways... being a mother is, by definition, not - or, at best, it's a desperate juggling process of selfish and selfless, as you assume responsibility for another life while still clinging to the shreds of your own, lol... (although some people never seem to get that memo and have no business being a parent, but that's another blog).

When you are young, making the choice to stay focused on a goal involves some forms of sacrifice -- maybe missing the big party, or hanging out with friends less, or doing a race-destination vacation instead of a big Las Vegas blow out weekend, just to save money.  As you get older, the stakes get higher, and the decisions more personal, and the helpful input from everyone around you more according to their own agendas and experiences... and it can be a lonely path to walk.  Making a choice for the wrong reasons, or because of external pressure, can cause everything to sour -- resentment to bloom and a half-assed effort to be had all the way around.  Making a choice and giving into the natural urge to second guess it will have the same effect.

I love men, but I don't think men have to go through the same agonizing choices that face certain women (whether gifted athletes or gifted career-women)... and yes, men have their own issues and struggles to deal with... but, since my experience is strictly female, lol, I'm writing about our gender's travails.

I think the key to chosing the path at each fork is allowing yourself to be ok with who you are -- not falling prey to the expectations, or social mores, or "conventional wisdom" of the people around you.  It's to weigh which choice feels better, or which pain of loss hurts least, or which path gives you the chance to have as much of both worlds as you can possibly scrabble together... and then deciding if that is enough for you.  It really does boil down to setting your priorities and being comfortable with what you have set -- and being aware of what you may be giving up or risking... and being ok with the worst case scenario, because you cannot assume it will all come together in the end -- sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't, but at that point it is usually too late so you'd better be ready to accept it either way.

So many women hit their 30s and 40s feeling a vague emptiness... and I think that is because we were sold a false sense of reality -- the snake oil I wrote about above.  We cannot do it all.  We cannot have it all.  There is no way to be 100% committed to a career AND a family AND a sport.  Something has to give somewhere, and someone's picture of how things are supposed to be will be shattered.  We can't be Holly-homemaker AND Chrissie Wellington AND the CEO of a fortune 500 company and do all three to our fullest potential -- we can make our own comfort level in whatever combination we decide to mesh those worlds, but to be happy we have to accept that there are limits, and then do our best to accept those limits.

Now, if anyone knows how to do that, feel free to send me a guest blog, because I'm 42 and have not come close to figuring it out... I just blunder along picking the path that feels correct based on my own priorities and expectations.... and sometimes I wonder what that path would look like if I'd been wearing my Garmin the entire time, lol.