the debate...

It's 102' outside.  IM Louisville is in 74 days, aka August.  There is at least some chance that this weather will replicate itself at that race, and I can certainly expect upper 80s-mid 90s and humid humid humid.

I know this, which is why tomorrow I am planning, hoping, supposed to go ride 3 loops of the Baldwin Trail (87 miles, if you're counting).  I need bike time in the elements.  And, I am dreading it.

This is not a normal attitude for me.  Usually I psych myself up for the challenge and go into it positive and determined.

But... I'm tired.  Mentally, physically, emotionally... and I'm battling a case of the negatives.  The girls went on a cruise (they go on 3-5 a YEAR, and have for the last 5+ years, so it's not as special as it sounds), missed their football playoffs, and came back sick and (once again) loaded with expensive jewelry the exh bought them on the trip.

To make it worse, their personalities change perceptibly when they spend an extended time with him.  They, in Matthew's and my opinion, become spoiled, lazy, and generally unmotivated.  They spend their time eating (crap) and watching tv or playing on the computer.  The excuses not to go to swim practice, while varying in frequency, appear regularly.  It's distressing to watch, and sometimes I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster trying to keep up.  Words don't really do it justice, but any divorced parent will nod their head in agreement that their kids' personas change with extended exposure to the other parent.  When those changes reflect back personality traits you find particularly abhorrent or alien, it can be very emotionally draining.  And, since I am given to over-analyze at times, these changes scare the hell out of me, as I wonder which path the girls will end up following permanently as they get older.

It's weird how disciplined I can be as an athlete, yet sometimes my own emotions and brain will impede me physically.  Factor in lack of sleep, and my poor thought and decision making processes just whir pointlessly in an endless circle, not unlike dealing with my youngest, who has been known to engage in conversations that go something like this:

Little Mini (LM): "I want to wear my white capris"
Me: "The white capris are in the wash.  Wear the blue capris."
LM: "I don't want to wear the blue capris.  I want to wear the white capris."
Me: "Didn't we just discuss this?  The choices are, blue capris, or NOTHING."
LM: "But I want to wear the WHITE ones.  Why won't you help me decide what to wear?!"

So the triathlon conversation goes something like this:

Me: "I need to do a long bike."
Me: "It's hot and my legs are dead.  I don't feel like doing a long bike."
Me: "If you don't do a long bike tomorrow, you won't get another chance for ten days."
Me: "But I'm tired.  I just don't know if I can do it!"
Me: "If you don't, you'll get fat, and you'll never finish IMKY"
Me: "But I don't want to get fat, and I WANT to finish IMKY"
Me: "Then do the long bike!"
Me: "But it's hot and my legs are dead! I don't feel like doing a long bike"
etc.

Now, don't get me wrong.  It's either the Baldwin trail or some gawd-awful 3 or 4 hour trainer video, so its not like I'm taking the day off if I wuss out of the out-door ride.  And, maybe after a good night's sleep (HA) and some perspective, I'll be gung ho for the trail and immune to worrying about the girls.  In the mean time, I'll just keep whirring aimlessly, wishing the variables would change in the equation so I could reach the conclusion I want to reach :-)